Parent Tips: Dialogues Across Difference
by Julie Stevens
I
n the forward to Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict (Yale University Press, 2011), Dr.
Donna Hicks asserts that the human “desire for dignity is even stronger than our desire for
survival.” Violations of dignity destroy relationships, generating conflicts that precipitate every-
thing from guerrilla warfare to divorce and family disintegration. Informed both by her research
with Harvard’s Weatherhead Center for International Affairs and years of experience facilitating
discussions to resolve violent, long-standing conflicts around the globe, her dignity model cre-
ates space for even the most difficult conversations. Here are some takeaways for parents:
• Dignity is a birthright, possessed by all. Help your child perceive their own inherent
worth, as well as that of others. Teach the immutability of that worth—it can’t be dimin-
ished by their own misbehavior or others’ misbehavior targeting them. However, unlike the
dignity belonging to all, respect must be earned. Assure your kids that a presumption of
universal human dignity does not mean that bad behavior should be excused.
• We are robbed of dignity when we feel ashamed. From the perspective of evo-
lutionary biology, being humiliated can be the psychological equivalent of being
cut from the herd and devoured. From preschool on kids comprehend the human
impulse to pick on, tease, or belittle others to establish one’s own power. They can
be taught that enduring safety depends on breaking the predatory cycle by refus-
ing to go on the attack, especially when they see adults in their lives providing a
model of this refusal in their own interactions.
• Parents bear witness to kids’ struggles with life’s indignities, large and small. Ac-
knowledge the inevitable pain of humiliation. (“I’m sorry you were teased; that
must have been so upsetting.”) Resist defaulting to a problem-solving mode or
denying their perceived degree of hurt. Instead, try to understand your child’s view
of their experience. (“ Tell me more...”) Feeling heard and validated addresses their
sense of violation, helping your child move beyond seeking reprisal.
• Giving others the benefit of the doubt is an essential dignity model practice,
exemplified for Dr. Hicks by Nelson Mandela’s extraordinary faith in his captors’
capacity for goodness. Especially for parents of teenagers whose independence
exposes them to high risks, fear makes it challenging to trust their trustworthiness.
Yet communicating your fundamental belief in your child’s integrity supports them
in becoming their best self, as well as in seeing the best in others. l
Julie Stevens is a parent, former school psychologist, and former independent school teacher. She
has written numerous articles on parenting and moral growth that can be found on csee.org.
CSEE Connections
Summer 2020
Page 37