A PA RE N T RE S PO N D S
wither away. I hear people mention how eas-
ily ‘the kids get it’ but that was not always our
experience. My kid lost his two school besties.
Once early in his journey with his new name I
picked him up and saw one of the besties, a girl.
She told me as my son skipped away happily,
“I wish ‘Johnny’ was still ‘Jane’.” You know, grief
is real. I get that. Parts of me grieve the things
that changed. Yet, my child was sooo happy to
let down the burden of masking himself. The
rest of us needed to find a way to accept and
embrace this happy boy, or step aside.
tual and real community of other parents that
are navigating together and supporting one
another. Each of our experiences and stories
are varied, but we are mirrors to one another.
“I hear people mention
how easily ‘the kids
get it’ but that was not
always our experience.
My kid lost his two
school besties.”
Our struggles persist. I recently learned that my
child was “deadnamed” last summer at camp,
i.e. taunted by a few fellow campers with
his birth name—one knew him before and
outed him; another used his birth name like
a slur. It is nine months later and I just learned
of the incident. While some find smooth sail-
ing with social gender-adjustments, others
(mine included) find pre-transition struggles
continue and new social challenges emerge.
While transgender children that live in their
affirmed identity generally live healthy lives, it
doesn’t mean isolation, social aggression, and
other challenges do not remain. We all must
remain vigilant in supporting our children
and community members (especially mar-
ginalized ones) so they grow into their own
versions of the healthy adolescents and adults
they aspire to be.
A friend told me about the book Far From the
Tree by Andrew Solomon, which explores the
many ways parents raising children with iden-
tities different than their own—kids on the
autism spectrum, deaf children of hearing par-
ents, others. Solomon’s analysis of parenting a
kid so unlike us is also quite revealing. Where
Patterson’s A Bold World helps me imagine my
own power to embrace and tackle the chal-
lenges that come with life, Solomon offers
the realization that because I don’t share my
child’s gender identity, it is critical that I con-
nect him with others that do so he can be af-
firmed, create a healthy identity, and build a
healthy tribe.
Ideas for Allies:
Parenting my transgender kid also feels em-
powering and communal. Although we are a
family of two, we have found a tribe of sorts,
and for us, that feels amazing. There is a vir-
• Check out Welcoming Schools (www.wel-
comingschools.org) and Gender Spectrum
Continues on page 30
CSEE Connections
Summer 2019
Page 29