Parent Tips: Asking for Help
By Julie Stevens
As a high school teacher, I began in the fall by sharing a story about my teenage self: My youth group planned an outing to a local lake, packing a picnic and bathing suits. I could barely dog paddle, couldn’ t float, and was self-conscious in my bikini, which I only changed into when my peers decided to swim out to a floating dock. Neither of my options— join them or hang with the adult chaperones— was appealing. So, I asked my girlfriend, a certified lifeguard, to swim beside me. However, she soon grew impatient, told me to go back to shore, and swam away.( Here I provided the detail that we both had a crush on someone already on the dock.) When I finally gave up, abandoned and exhausted, I was shocked by how far I would still have to swim to reach the shore! After going under twice, I finally screamed,“ Help!” My relief watching a chaperone dive in turned to panic as it dawned on me that by trying to avoid further embarrassment, I now had to keep my head above water until my ignominious rescue. I hoped my students would understand that reaching out for support when your best efforts have fallen short isn’ t weakness, but wisdom. Model and share with your kids these strategies for reinforcing the essential life skill of recognizing when and how to ask for help.
• Avoid equating independence with not needing help, both in your own response to setbacks and in your communication to your kids. Your goal is to raise kids who are capable of agency and of seeking support. Reaching out to a reliable resource when we are exhausted and far from shore is common sense. Yet research shows that children as young as seven equate asking for help with being seen as incompetent, weak, or inferior. 1 Western societies celebrate independence, promoting“ self-care” rather than interdependence. It may seem counterintuitive, but when we solicit advice, studies show we are viewed as more competent, rather than as selfish or needy. Kids and adults should remember that when they’ re stressed or anxious— most apt to be fearful of being judged or seen as vulnerable— turning to those they trust may be critical for both health and safety.
• Intentionally reframe your view of anxiety as inevitable, manageable, and potentially useful. Don’ t confuse mental health with always feeling good. Instead acknowledge if feeling anxious is warranted and rely on proven coping skills. In 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People( Simon and Schuster, 2024) developmental psychologist David Yeager explores the idea of a“ mentor mindset.” Conceptualize anxious feelings as on a continuum. While anxiety can become pathological, it can also energize growth. Rather than obsessing over clearing perceived barriers to their kids’
1. https:// news. stanford. edu / stories / 2022 / 09 / asking-help-hard-people-want-help-realize
Page 36 Fall 2025 CSEE Connections