Chieftain’s Declassified: Thanksgiving
Tips for handling family and feasts this holiday weekend
By: R(yan)2-D2
Chieftain Staff
Aside from the Fourth of July,
Thanksgiving is the most American
holiday of the year. A time spent mingling with long-lost aunts and cousins,
stuffing your face full of stuffing, and
suffering through food comas. All of
these are necessary parts of Thanksgiving, and the Chieftain’s Declassified
plans to break down each one.
Unfortunately, there is no Thanksgiving episode of Ned’s Declassified
School Survival Guide, but there is a very
weird, and kind of scary, fanfiction written about Thanksgiving.
Because there is no episode, we at
the Chieftain decided to invent our own
tip, Tip#103.1T: The key to tackling
Thanksgiving is planning.
The first thing you’ll encounter this
Thanksgiving is family, whether it be
your cousins from Minnesota, or your
second uncle from Peru. Most extended
family members who visit around
Thanksgiving are the ones who ask
questions, like: “How’s school going?
… How is [sport] going? … What are
your plans for college? … When are you
gonna get off your lazy butt and actually contribute to the world for once in
your life instead of wasting your time
playing Called to Duty or whatever in
the basement?”
Prevent these questions from turning into long, boring conversations
about your school, social, and nonexistent life by planning your responses.
Know what you’ll say to Aunt Kathy
from Pasadena when she asks if you’ve
gotten a job. Here are some examples of
good responses: “Oh, [thing] is going
well, but I’m really interested in how
you’ve been doing.” Or, “No, I haven’t
started planning for college, but I heard
that the grey treefrog (Hyla versicolor)
can change its color from green to grey
to yellow.” These are just two suitable
responses; there are many more that can
apply to any situation.
The best thing about Thanksgiving,
without a doubt, is the food. Everybody
has his favorite, whether it be mashed
potatoes, turkey, stuffing, or cranberry
B ROTHE R R I C E H I G H S C HO O L C H I E F TA I N
The Thanksgiving buffet requires careful planning and strategic decision-making
sauce. Thanksgiving revolves around
giving thanks and stuff but, honestly,
food reigns supreme. Once again, the
key to tackling this part of Thanksgiving
is planning.
When you first set your eyes on the
beautiful feast, it is important to quickly
develop a strategy. Start by filling your
plate with the
dish that has
the smallest
quantity, so if
you don’t get
it the first time
around you
might miss
out. Also, make sure to grab some of
your favorite dish to display your love
for it. And don’t forget to keep your
glass full; staying hydrated will keep
you going throughout the feast.
For your second round, make sure
to grab some Thanksgiving classics,
your everyday turkey, mashed potatoes,
and carrots. After your second serving,
you need to make a crucial decision. A
third serving may take away your room
for dessert. If you’re feeling bold, go for
three; if you want to play it safe, stick
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with two and go for a big dessert.
Dessert, by the way, is simple:
pumpkin pie with whipped cream. No
need to mess with perfection.
With all the food in your stomach,
you will soon enter the dreaded food
coma. A food coma is defined as a state
of sleep or extreme lethargy induced by
the consumption of a large amount of
food. A food coma can lay waste to even
the most infamous of eaters. The best
way to handle a food coma is to take a
seat on the couch, as close to a television
as possible, and turn on some Thanksgiving football. If you’re lucky, the Lions game will already be over and you
won’t have to endure yet another loss.
Best-case scenario, you finish dessert,
slowly make your way to the couch, and
sit down for an hour or two of undisturbed NFL. If football isn’t your thing,
I don’t really know what else you can
watch. Maybe the cooking channel has a
nice Thanksgiving special.
If all goes according to plan, you will
enjoy another successful Thanksgiving.
If things don’t go according to plans, it’s
still Thanksgiving. Be thankful for great
family and friends.
N O V E M B E R 2015