Feeling“ in love” occurs when two people who are attracted to each other also feel safe enough to let each other in on their authentic feelings— to be vulnerable. Passionate love requires not only chemistry but also that both parties feel seen, heard, valued, and appreciated. So, why does that feeling fade? Fear takes over.

Fear of rejection or engulfment— of losing the other or losing yourself. We all enter relationships with some fears. The key to staying in love is learning to deal with these fears healthily and productively.

If you’ ve learned to protect yourselves against these fears like most of us, rather than face them head-on, you’ ll begin to act out in ways that undermine the relationship. You’ ll no longer feel safe and connected when each of you is protecting yourself with controlling behavior.

Examples of this include the following: Getting angry, critical, judgmental; blaming, shaming, demanding, attacking, defending, explaining Shutting down, withdrawing,

withholding, resisting, lying Becoming needy or self-victimizing Acting out addictively with substances like food, alcohol, drugs, or activities like work, TV, computer, shopping, spending, video games, sex, porn, cheating, and so on

When you each react to your fears by closing your heart and turning to any of these controlling behaviours, then neither of

you can feel seen, heard, valued, or appreciated.“ In love” feelings can’ t survive these behaviors. Even people who are very physically attracted to each other find their affection waning under these circumstances.

So, how do you fall in love again?

Even if you feel that all the love is gone, if you were in love with each other once, you can get it back. But not without doing

your own inner work to heal your fears. You have to address your internal issues rather than try to avoid them with controlling behaviour.

Before you can fall in love with your partner again, you need to fall in love with yourself. This means learning to see, hear, value, and appreciate yourself— giving yourself the kind of love you want from your partner.

Learning to love yourself is

how you heal your fears.

When you see, hear, value, and appreciate yourself, you no longer fear rejection. While none of us likes rejection, we stop fearing it when we love ourselves. We no longer take it personally. We no longer believe that someone else’ s rejection or acceptance is the most accurate indicator of our value.

When rejection stops being the ultimate fear, you cease to be vulnerable to self-denying insecurity and engulfment.

When you love yourself, you learn to fill your heart with love to share with your partner. Only when you truly value your own essence— who you really are— can you see and value the essence of your partner.

Even if just one of you embarks on the journey of self-love, it may be enough to heal the relationship. If one person moves out of controlling protective behaviour and into loving themselves and their partner, it may turn a dysfunctional relationship system into a loving, productive one.

Rather than considering separation or divorce when you fall out of love, why not first try learning to love yourself? It’ s the only way to experience true, lasting love with a partner. The sooner you start, the better.

( MindBodyGreen)

The first step in overcoming the pattern is to wholeheartedly accept that you are, in fact, in a toxic union. Here are four signs that suggest your relationship very well may be toxic: 1. There are momentary highs, but they are short lived.

Toxic love feels like a roller coaster, with excitement and intrigue followed by insecurity and anxiety. If this is your world, you live for the highs, but you mostly experience the lows. You keep hope alive during those lows with glimmering expectations for what could happen when the next brush of attention comes. In a perverse way, it is the unpredictability of intense emotions

that keeps a person stuck, like an unsuccessful gambler hoping that the next card will turn everything around. Recognizing this will help you step off the ride and stop the spinning in your head. 2. When you’ re apart, you feel anxious.

When you’ re together, it feels enthralling and intoxicating: You desire nothing else than to be with your toxic partner. However, you experience a crushing anxiety when every

outing is over. You are left feeling insecure because you are so invested in a person who never gives you definite dates or follows through with plans for your next date. You are left with selfdoubt, second-guessing your appearance, your personality, and your actions. You question the status of the relationship and become jealous of others whom your toxic partner may see. It’ s important to recognize that you are never truly at peace or able to feel at ease and consistently

secure with your partner. 3. When you confront your partner about your upset, he or she turns the tables and blames you.

Every now and again, you freak out and give your toxic partner a piece of your mind. Or you let them know how insecure and anxious you feel, and demand answers about whether they are really committed to your relationship.

But no matter what you say, how you say it, or when you say it, your partner turns the tables on you and tells you all that you are doing wrong in the relationship.

By the end of the conversation, you feel as if you are the bad partner, or that you have done things to cause your partner to mistreat you. Recognize that turning the tables in this way is a strategy your toxic partner uses in order to never have to take responsibility for how his or her behavior impacts you. 4. You are consumed with this relationship.

All you think about— well, almost all— is your toxic love relationship. You think about

when you will see your partner next, how you can be more alluring, what you can say or wear to keep your toxic partner desiring you. You also spend a great amount of time filled with worry and self-doubt about whether the relationship is healthy, and if you will ever get what you need form your partner. If you are not with the person, you are lonely, and you have few other deep relationships to fill the void, because you have compartmentalized your life so as to not let friends or family know about your toxic union. You actually fear that your loved ones will tell you to end the relationship, and so you avoid getting deep with other people. You need to recognize that this relationship is taking over your entire identity.

If your relationship is a toxic one, rationalizing or denying it will only perpetuate the problem and make it impossible to grow into a healthier pattern of loving. Your capacity for joy and fulfillment and your ability to reach your full potential increase when you are with a healthy partner.

( Psychology Today)