Feeling “ in love ” occurs when two people who are attracted to each other also feel safe enough to let each other in on their authentic feelings — to be vulnerable . Passionate love requires not only chemistry but also that both parties feel seen , heard , valued , and appreciated . So , why does that feeling fade ? Fear takes over .

Fear of rejection or engulfment — of losing the other or losing yourself . We all enter relationships with some fears . The key to staying in love is learning to deal with these fears healthily and productively .

If you ’ ve learned to protect yourselves against these fears like most of us , rather than face them head-on , you ’ ll begin to act out in ways that undermine the relationship . You ’ ll no longer feel safe and connected when each of you is protecting yourself with controlling behavior .

Examples of this include the following : Getting angry , critical , judgmental ; blaming , shaming , demanding , attacking , defending , explaining Shutting down , withdrawing ,

withholding , resisting , lying Becoming needy or self-victimizing Acting out addictively with substances like food , alcohol , drugs , or activities like work , TV , computer , shopping , spending , video games , sex , porn , cheating , and so on

When you each react to your fears by closing your heart and turning to any of these controlling behaviours , then neither of

you can feel seen , heard , valued , or appreciated . “ In love ” feelings can ’ t survive these behaviors . Even people who are very physically attracted to each other find their affection waning under these circumstances .

So , how do you fall in love again ?

Even if you feel that all the love is gone , if you were in love with each other once , you can get it back . But not without doing

your own inner work to heal your fears . You have to address your internal issues rather than try to avoid them with controlling behaviour .

Before you can fall in love with your partner again , you need to fall in love with yourself . This means learning to see , hear , value , and appreciate yourself — giving yourself the kind of love you want from your partner .

Learning to love yourself is

how you heal your fears .

When you see , hear , value , and appreciate yourself , you no longer fear rejection . While none of us likes rejection , we stop fearing it when we love ourselves . We no longer take it personally . We no longer believe that someone else ’ s rejection or acceptance is the most accurate indicator of our value .

When rejection stops being the ultimate fear , you cease to be vulnerable to self-denying insecurity and engulfment .

When you love yourself , you learn to fill your heart with love to share with your partner . Only when you truly value your own essence — who you really are — can you see and value the essence of your partner .

Even if just one of you embarks on the journey of self-love , it may be enough to heal the relationship . If one person moves out of controlling protective behaviour and into loving themselves and their partner , it may turn a dysfunctional relationship system into a loving , productive one .

Rather than considering separation or divorce when you fall out of love , why not first try learning to love yourself ? It ’ s the only way to experience true , lasting love with a partner . The sooner you start , the better .

( MindBodyGreen )

The first step in overcoming the pattern is to wholeheartedly accept that you are , in fact , in a toxic union . Here are four signs that suggest your relationship very well may be toxic : 1 . There are momentary highs , but they are short lived .

Toxic love feels like a roller coaster , with excitement and intrigue followed by insecurity and anxiety . If this is your world , you live for the highs , but you mostly experience the lows . You keep hope alive during those lows with glimmering expectations for what could happen when the next brush of attention comes . In a perverse way , it is the unpredictability of intense emotions

that keeps a person stuck , like an unsuccessful gambler hoping that the next card will turn everything around . Recognizing this will help you step off the ride and stop the spinning in your head . 2 . When you ’ re apart , you feel anxious .

When you ’ re together , it feels enthralling and intoxicating : You desire nothing else than to be with your toxic partner . However , you experience a crushing anxiety when every

outing is over . You are left feeling insecure because you are so invested in a person who never gives you definite dates or follows through with plans for your next date . You are left with selfdoubt , second-guessing your appearance , your personality , and your actions . You question the status of the relationship and become jealous of others whom your toxic partner may see . It ’ s important to recognize that you are never truly at peace or able to feel at ease and consistently

secure with your partner . 3 . When you confront your partner about your upset , he or she turns the tables and blames you .

Every now and again , you freak out and give your toxic partner a piece of your mind . Or you let them know how insecure and anxious you feel , and demand answers about whether they are really committed to your relationship .

But no matter what you say , how you say it , or when you say it , your partner turns the tables on you and tells you all that you are doing wrong in the relationship .

By the end of the conversation , you feel as if you are the bad partner , or that you have done things to cause your partner to mistreat you . Recognize that turning the tables in this way is a strategy your toxic partner uses in order to never have to take responsibility for how his or her behavior impacts you . 4 . You are consumed with this relationship .

All you think about — well , almost all — is your toxic love relationship . You think about

when you will see your partner next , how you can be more alluring , what you can say or wear to keep your toxic partner desiring you . You also spend a great amount of time filled with worry and self-doubt about whether the relationship is healthy , and if you will ever get what you need form your partner . If you are not with the person , you are lonely , and you have few other deep relationships to fill the void , because you have compartmentalized your life so as to not let friends or family know about your toxic union . You actually fear that your loved ones will tell you to end the relationship , and so you avoid getting deep with other people . You need to recognize that this relationship is taking over your entire identity .

If your relationship is a toxic one , rationalizing or denying it will only perpetuate the problem and make it impossible to grow into a healthier pattern of loving . Your capacity for joy and fulfillment and your ability to reach your full potential increase when you are with a healthy partner .

( Psychology Today )