am practicing self compassion , I hope I am modelling humanity , forgiveness , apology . I hope they will see that I strive for better , that I ’ m always absorbing new advice to try and improve . And mostly , I look at my older children , their happy selves as they cover their baby sister in kisses and I know something is going right . Kindness oozes from them both and they are joyous , smiling readily and chattering confidently to friends and family . School reports state “ kind and caring ” or “ thoughtful ” and I feel momentary relief from the doubts of my ability as a mother .
I do not parent alone . Their father is an incredible parent : calmer , more assured , a reliable and practical pillar of support . His emotions are kept in check more easily and he does not doubt himself the way I do . He carries his fatherhood confidently , proudly : his fatherly instinct is exemplary . We are an equal team , and he does a huge amount of the domestic chores . If I could find the time to engage the part of my brain which studied sociology in my teens and early twenties , I could examine how influential our societal norms and cultural expectations are in relation to the pressures I place upon myself . We do not grow up in a vacuum and perhaps I have internalised a perfect mother myth , setting myself up for failure .
At family gatherings I speak to my eldest sister in awed tones : “ How does it feel to know you ’ ve done it , that they ’ ve turned out happy and good ?” as her almost fully grown “ kids ” play with their much younger cousins . I do not wish these years away , I know they are glorious and fleeting but I long for a crystal ball to tell me that my children end up safe , happy , kind , resilient .
It is over 6 years since I found out life was growing in my womb , a much-wanted baby . More than 6 years since I first saw a heart beating on a grainy black and white screen , incomprehensibly a heart that beat alongside mine . I now have three children and I am still learning and growing each day . Every age and stage brings me new challenges as a mother , things I never anticipated or have any kind of blueprint for . I am aware of how achingly lucky I am , what a privilege it is to have these children housed in my heart and arms . I can only hope my best is good enough . All I know for sure is this : I love , and love , and love until there is nothing of me le .