BEING A CAREPARTNER( continued)
What you can do: Expand your social circles, real and virtual. Arrange respite help, so you can add at least one outside activity, such as one you’ ve dropped. Take the initiative to reach out to old friends and invite them over if you can’ t get out easily. Consider joining a support group related to caregiving or your loved one’ s illness. In online support groups, you can find kinship with those who know just what you’ re going through.
Caregiver emotion trap # 6: Grief Don’ t think this one applies yet? Think again.
What causes grief: Although most people link grief with death, anticipatory grief is a similar emotion especially felt by caregivers who are coping with a loved one’ s long-term chronic illness.
Risks of grief:“ Long goodbyes” can trigger guilt as well as sadness if one mistakenly believes that it’ s inappropriate to grieve someone still alive. Mourning the loss of a beloved companion is also a risk factor for depression.
What you can do: Know that your feelings are normal and as painful as“ real”( postmortem) grief. Allow yourself to feel sadness and express it to your loved one as well as to supportive others; pasting on a happy face belies the truth and can be frustrating to the person who knows he or she is ill or dying. Make time for yourself so that you’ re living a life outside of caregiving that will support you both now and later.
Caregiver emotion trap # 7: Defensiveness Protecting yourself is good— to a point.
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What causes defensiveness: When you’ re doing so much, it’ s only natural to bristle at suggestions that there might be different or better approaches. Especially if you’ re feeling stressed, insecure, or unsure, hearing comments or criticisms by others, or reading information that’ s contrary to your views, can inspire a knee-jerk response of self-protection:“ I’ m right; that’ s wrong!”
Risks of defensiveness: While nobody knows your loved one and your situation as well as you do, being overly defensive can make you closed-minded. You risk losing out on real help. You may be so close to the situation that you can’ t see the forest for the trees. For example, a social worker or friend may have a perspective that points to what really might be a better way.
What you can do: Try not to take everything you hear personally. Instead of immediately getting cross or discarding others’ input, vow to pause long enough to consider it. Remember the big picture. Is there merit in a new idea, or not? What you’ re hearing as a criticism of you might be a well-intentioned attempt to help your loved one. You may decide things are fine as is, and that’ s great. But if you start from a point of calm and confidence, the focus becomes( as it should be) your loved one, not you.
Paula Spencer Scott is the author of Surviving Alzheimer’ s: Practical Tips and Soul-Saving Wisdom for Caregivers.