THE BEST PROJECT YOU ’ LL EVER WORK ON IS YOURSELF
By Prescilla Deschenes
Throughout the years my body has changed a lot . When I was a teenager , I went through a depression where I would always stay in my room and eat my emotions . I started gaining weight , felt insecure and had bad body image issues . My mom then convinced me to start exercising a bit and stop wallowing in self-pity .
I listened to her advice and got myself a gym membership . I managed to see results and lose weight quickly . I started following a lot of fitness pages , and this is when competing became a goal of mine … I created my own workouts and started running a lot ( I would run 1 / 2 marathons for fun , but also to burn as many calories as I could to challenge myself ). I became obsessed with beating my previous caloric deficit numbers & I was never satisfied , always felt « fat » even though I was underweight . This is when I started having self-destructive eating behaviors again .
I started being extra careful with everything I ate , I was under-eating , I would make sure my calories in were always a lot lower than my calories out . After restricting myself for so long , I developed a B / P eating disorder ( bulimia ) - I would have binging episodes more than once a day ( sometimes up to 4-5x a day ) it was a never-ending cycle , I felt helpless and out of control . I would even plan my binges when I knew my parents weren ’ t home . It had been going on for almost a year . I knew I had a problem , and I had to do something about it , because I couldn ’ t stay stuck in this cycle forever . Over the years I always thought I could manage to recover , then a minor inconvenience would happen it would trigger my old habits , and I would relapse .
Let ’ s fast forward to 2020 , when COVID hit . This is the moment I managed to do the most introspection and really tried to understand where these destructive habits came from . This is when I noticed that my eating disorder wasn ’ t all about my physical appearance , it was about deeper wounds . Once I was able to face and accept my inner demons this is the moment I finally learned to let go . I stopped putting so much pressure on myself . I still had body image issues , but I wouldn ’ t punish myself by restricting myself from eating , or over training . I took control over these thoughts , and rationalized them . I learned to enjoy the food I wanted , when I wanted without feeling bad about it and without compensating with hours of cardio . I put on some weight and felt good about it .
Then the idea of competing , I had a couple years ago , came back . I didn ’ t