CANADIAN PHYSIQUE ALLIANCE SEPTEMBER || ISSUE 38 | Page 49

While I don’t really care about the whys, just
want to get on with it already, it does serve a
purpose in order to change. I am clearly
fulfilling some need within my habits, some
know this as a “pay off”, so understanding my
pay off will support change. This month has
been a bust for me. Every day I commit and
every day I fall hard. I skip the gym or eat
wayyy off plan. Typing this gets really
uncomfortable because it feels so lame. This
pretty much epitomizes the last 2 years for
me. What a flake? What a loser? Just get off
your fat ass! WTF is wrong with you? Why
did I eat that? You’re such an idiot! A daily
conversation with myself. A dialogue that has
existed for as long as I can remember, no
matter what I looked like. Talk about
conditioning! I have hired the best coaches
in the business with Freak Fitness, Denise
Fann, Darren and Christine Mehling. They
believe in me, which sometimes I wonder
why (there’s that wicked voice again).
But as Darren recently said, “I don’t care how
many times you fall, I care how many times
you get up.” And I will get up! I have a diet
plan and certainly know my way around in
the gym as a former Canadian powerlifting
champ, bodybuilding competitor, formerly
certified group fitness instructor and personal
trainer, former posing coach, and so on.
“Toot toot”. My husband is a bodybuilder and
former strongman competitor, so he totally
gets this. His support is truly next level and
his commitment to the diet and training is
admirable, he’s a machine. Family support
got it. Friends, there for me.
Work will pretty much accommodate my
needs to achieve my goals. Full gym in the
basement, check that one off too. So why do
I stay tied to this peg when I know in all my
majestic glory, I could break to freedom?
(Writing majestic glory was weird for me, but
you get the point.)