LINDSAY ZIBRICK
“ I WASN ’ T HAPPY , BUT , FOR ME , DENIAL WAS ALWAYS A MORE ATTAINABLE GOAL .”
“ What motivates you to train so hard ?” I was asked this question recently , and it prompted some reflection and thought . The answer is complex , reveals some less known information about me , and has its roots in 2008 .
2008 marks the year I was at my absolute heaviest . It would be accurate to say that I weighed over 265 pounds . At a height of 5 feet 5 inches , my weight , together with my body composition , put me in the category of extreme to severe obesity . Although never medically assessed , I was a strong candidate for type II diabetes and a handful of other chronic diseases .
Growing up , I was always a little bit on the chubbier side , but my parents ensured my childhood / adolescence were encouraging of healthy behaviours . I engaged regularly in competitive sports – swimming , water polo , volleyball , soccer – and my mother was a highly regarded registered dietician . The poor decisions that culminated in me weighing over 265 pounds were entirely my own ; years of destructive eating patterns , exercise cessation / avoidance , hiding under loose or baggy clothing , and , by far , the most damaging behaviour – denial .
I wasn ’ t happy , but , for me , denial was always a more attainable goal . I could absorb the hurtful comments , the fat jokes , the teasing , but I never could bring myself to face and take responsibility for my own demons . Doing so felt out of reach . So I ate . Eating became my crutch . The more my weight my crept , the more unhappy I became , the more I ate ; so began a vicious and damaging cycle .
On my 23rd birthday , my sister handed me a birthday card . The exact phrasing still evades me , but her words were something to the effect of , “ my hope is that you are able to make a lasting change for yourself .” She didn ’ t know it at the time , and to this day , she may still not know , but her words triggered my weight loss journey .
I had tried diets , diet pills , fad dieting in the past , but nothing stuck for me . For someone like me , a severe overcorrection was necessary . I lost the weight – over 125 pounds in total – on a highly modified / adapted ketogenic diet , in combination with a focused and sustained training regimen . For me , this regimen worked . It stuck . A modified keto diet and training have become the fabric of my life – my lifestyle .
In the process , I learned that every choice I made regarding what I put in my body and how often / intensely I exercised was entirely within my control . I learned that moderation doesn ’ t work for everyone ; I learned that moderation doesn ’ t work for me . I learned that body composition is far more important than the number on the scale . I learned that fit / athletic is sexy . I learned that weight comments cut just as deep at my current weight as they did at 265 plus pounds . I learned that a physical transformation alone wasn ’ t enough to correct my deeply distorted body image . Most importantly , I learned that I was still battling many demons inside .
I started training for my first lingerie shoot in the summer of 2009 . I rationalized that perhaps my psyche also needed a severe overcorrection . Exposing myself in front of a camera , in delicates , for the first time was nothing short of terrifying for me . Was I lean enough ? Were my physical flaws blatant ? I had shed the weight , but I hadn ’ t shed the crippling insecurities .
When the photos came back , I remember studying them for a very long time . Was this what I looked like now ? The photos revealed a Lindsay that I had never before seen in a mirror . In the process of doing so , I was able to hone in on the achievements I had made , rather than the deficiencies that linger . In the process of doing so , I was able to safely let go of some of the insecurities I had harboured
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