R E L AT I O N S H I P
7 ways to affair-proof
your relationship
A
fter an affair, couples often feel blindsided by the betrayal. "I have no clue how we got here," one partner will say. "I can't believe this happened to us."But
therapists who counsel couples in such a position usually
have a very good understanding of why it happened. And
they also know what couples can do to stave off an affair in
the future. Below, experts share seven things couples can
do to minimize their risk of infidelity.
Don't think you're immune to an affair
If you think infidelity is something that happens to other
couples, think again. Accepting that an affair can occur
in any relationship ensures that you're better equipped to
see the warning signs, said Alexandra H. Solomon, a clinical psychologist. "I have heard over and over again in my
therapy office some version of "I never thought it could happen" or "I am not the kind of person who cheats, but here I
am", "she said. "It's important to stay humble. Relationships
are complex and mysterious journeys. Effort and care are
required, always."
Recognise and tend to the needs of your relationship
People who cheat often talk about how their affair partners
simply fulfilled a need their spouse couldn't, be it physical
or emotional. To sidestep the same fate, clinical psychologist Alicia H. Clark said you need to fiercely guard the connection that initially brought you two together. At the same
time, check in occasionally to make sure everything is still
OK on your partner's end. "Keep tabs on how connected
you feel and how successfully you are meeting each other's
needs," she said. "Faithful couples understand the importance of physical and emotional connection and make sure
to tend to these needs. This requires forging compromises
that are mutually satisfying and sustainable."
Define what monogamy means to you
Talk openly and honestly about what kind of behavior isn't
acceptable outside the confines of your relationship, then
set some clear, mutually agreed-upon boundaries, said
Solomon. (You might think your borderline flirty behavior
at dinner parties is OK; your partner may think you need
a reality check.) While you're on the subject, discuss what
sexual needs and desires you need fulfilled in order to be
satisfied in a monogamous relationship, Solomon said.
"Practicing sexual monogamy requires effort," she said.
"Ask yourselves: Why you are choosing to be sexually monogamous? What does each of you need in order to feel
good about that choice? What does the relationship needs
in order to thrive?"
Close the door on old flames, even on your social media
pages
With Facebook at your fingertips, it's all too easy to reconnect with an old boyfriend or or that girl from biology class
you always had a thing for in high school. It only takes a
click to add him or her, but ask yourself: Is it really worth
the temptation? If you're already having problems in your
relationship, your answer should be a clear-cut no, said Dr.
Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist. "It's just too slippery a slope, to
go from 'but we are still friends!' to ''I feel that old attraction again'," she explained. "If you or your partner want to
maintain friendships with an ex great, but do it together. Go
out with spouses or go out as a group —the likeliness for
flirting or being too cozy will be diminished because you
have other observers."
Make time for sex
It's natural for your sex drive to wax and wane in a longterm relationship. But if you can't recall the last time the two
of you got busy, you may want to address the issue, said
Clark. "Without