PA R E N T I N G
Parenting in Pakistan: An unhealthy mix of care and
competition
H
aving lived abroad for nearly five years, I have
become a keen observer of certain behavioural
differences between Pakistani children, and those
raised in the US or the UK. I firmly believe that cultural
differences in early childhood decide who we become in
our adulthood. A lot is determined by how parents and
family members react to a child’s behaviour in his initial years of life, thereby instilling in him either a rightful
or an inappropriate sense of what is correct or wrong.
Each year during my annual trip to Pakistan, I noticed
aggressive behaviour in Pakistani children which people in our country conveniently term as ‘childh ood zidd’
(stubbornness). Some consider it an innate feature of
infancy, while others may find such behaviour cute or
even hilarious. Last year, I saw three-year-old Ali lying
down flat on a marble floor in the midst of a tantrum.
Facing downward, he kicked his right leg furiously each
time he wailed. When his kicks and moans did not grab
the desired attention, he started banging his forehead
where he was lying on the hard floor. This propelled everyone in the room to act in accordance with the toddler’s demands. Instantly, Ali’s mother came running
with the iPad he was crying for, while his grandmother
kissed Ali’s forehead and caressed his red, tear-stained
cheeks. Just seconds later, the three-year-old was grinning ear to ear and banging his head to the beat of his
favourite cartoon song. Little Ali had won his battle in-
genuously, and with ease. It’s true that Pakistani mothers
and grandmothers are amongst the most caring ones in
the world. Every now and then their hearts melt as their
children wail. While this sympathetic state is laudable
in some scenarios, it should be cautiously monitored,
mitigated, perhaps even avoided at times – just like the
one mentioned earlier. The situation is a self-witnessed,
perfect display of negative attention for a child, the pitch
and duration of his tantrum will most likely increase the
next time he is denied access to passive screen time on
his desired gadget. By giving instant and unwarranted
attention to the child’s inappropriate behaviour, we are
negatively reinforcing the notion that crying and yelling
can grant him anything he wishes. The rage and frustration in the child builds up with time as we increasingly
reward him for his negative behaviour. Giving in to such
tantrums is a direct consequence of the utmost care and
pampering that most Pakistani parents provide to their
children. Likewise, it can also result from one or more
parents’ inability to tolerate the crying sound for more
than certain duration of time. Acting readily – at times
blindly – in accordance with the child’s wishes seems
the easy way out during that moment of tension, at times
frustration, when one is trying hard to gather himself after a long day at work. While doing so, we fail to realise
that our instant submissive reaction in that moment will
negatively build upon our child’s moral instincts and
36 | BOOM