PA R E N T I N G
their values and judgements. That’s why you DON’T
show a hysterical reaction to picking up a pound or two.
They see the world through your reactions. If mommy
picks up a little weight or breaks a newly manicured finger nail, don’t explode and have a tantrum. If you do,
you can absolutely count on their following in your footsteps. Don’t spoil their impression of you.
Try: Oh, honey, those extra chocolate cupcakes were a
bit too much for my waistline. We’ll going biking tomorrow and I bet our trip will burn off my cupcakes!
4. ‘Don’t Cry’
This is probably the most clichéd of parenting phrases.
Kids’ tears are never easy to deal with. But you’ll never
stop them from crying by uttering this phrase. They perceive it like: ‘It makes me angry. It annoys me. Your feelings and emotions aren’t acceptable to be expressed at
all.’ Trying to stop them from crying with this phrase, just
makes them shrink and internalize things which is not
healthy. Don’t invalidate their feelings because later it
can lead to more explosive emotional conditions.
Try: ‘It’s normal to express the overflow of emotions like
this. But you should analyze what makes you cry and
share it with me, because I’m the person who loves you
the most and I’m always by your side. Believe me together we’ll find the best solution.
5. ‘Anything Bad About Their Father ‘
Kids always feel bad and uncomfortable hearing something negative about his/her parents and especially
when it comes directly from one of the parents about
their spouse. This way you break the principles about
family integrity and harmony. You deprive the child of
that magical feeling of unity, love and mutual respect
that needs to flourish. You have no right to make your
child disappointed with his dad. No way.
Try to: Dad and I are just trying to reach a common decision. Sometimes two people have very different ideas
about how to approach a problem. We share our points
of view with one another and then reach a decision. You
can always take a part if you want to.
6. ’You always…” or “You never…’
You need to realize that your child is always in a process
of formation into a fully rounded person. You’re the first
one who helps him/her in this development. Saying one
of these two phrases you are linking the child with the
groundless stereotypes which can hinder his personal
progress. There are no ‘always’ or ‘never’. There is a
way he expresses himself. Don’t establish these useless, stereotypical boundaries but send him in the right
direction with positive message about his/her personality.
Try: Don’t you think your habit can be more true to your
real values? Try looking at things from a different perspective.
7. ‘You’re so… ‘
Labels shortchange every person. Your child is probably
the main person in your life. Remember than this young
personality can overhear this phrase like ‘I’m her shy
one’ or ‘I’m not the one she can be proud of’ or even
worse ’I’m not as good as the other ones’. This phrase is
a dangerous shortcut that makes him absolutely down.
He won’t ever be self-assured if you don’t let him/her be.
Try: ‘Are you satisfied with this? We both know you need
to change the direction, because you want more than
you get. Don’t stop, honey, just take one more step and
do always your best’
8. ‘That’s not how you do it! Here, let me’
In case your kid has done something you don’t like, you
do need a talk about it. But you don’t have to bring it
up in a belligerent sounding manner and never do you
want to be condescending when the child has tried his/
her best to do something. You need to make him or her
learn the mistakes and analyze the failed situation. You’ll
never teach them to be self-reliant with a phrase like ‘I
can do it better’. These words make a child defensive
and sends them the message that they are not thinking
correctly and that someone will always do it better that
they would. You want the child to explore options and
creativity in solving problems.
Try: ‘I don’t think it’s the best way to do it. I know you can
do it better, just try!’
9.’I don’t like that kid. Don’t be friends with him/her’
Your kid really needs you to take each one of his choices
serious. Let him feel the level you respect his personality and how much you trust him. Try not to criticize the
friends you don’t want to see next to him. It’s better to
ask him the reasons he likes so-in-so for a friend. Don’t
intervene between your child and this playmate you may
deem not right for you child. Rather keep asking what
your child is doing with this person, how their play outcome rank base on the values you’ve given your child
over the years. Knowing the answers you’ll get an opportunity to sum up this relationship and analyze the
points
Try: Start to model and discuss the different situations.
Ask you kid to imagine how his friend will behave. Talk
about this friend strengths and weaknesses. These kinds
of ‘marginal friendships’ are a great way to get your child
to critically analyze others on a consistent basis.
39 | BOOM