WOMEN
What they don’t tell you
about being pregnant
I
t first starts with the woman (let’s name her Boops)
peeing on a stick while simultaneously trying not to wet
her hand. It is not a pretty sight. No, don’t try to imagine it. I said, don’t!
Then comes the waiting period.
Tic Toc, Tic Toc – the longest two minutes to date.
Is it one line, or two lines?
One… no… two, I definitely see two!
And voila, just like that you are pregnant. The hand you
possibly splattered on is forgotten, as you wipe your
forehead in relief (or fear) that you are now about to step
into another phase of your life – the most beautiful one
ever.a
Or so you think.
Congratulations are passed around; you have bought
What to Expect When You’re Expecting and are happily
looking forward to being able to eat everything in sight
like a hog, and then some, and still end up with glowing
skin.
Bless the naive hearts!
While every pregnancy is different and some less difficult than others, what a pregnant woman will face, at
least for a little while, is the dreaded morning sickness.
I don’t know why they call it morning sickness, because
it doesn’t frikkin’ end in the morning. In fact, it goes on
striking you throughout the day and sometimes doesn’t
stop for months. Yes, months! It’s like the never-ending
morning from a zombie apocalypse movie! And where
is that darned glowing skin you wonder, as you look at
your sunken-eyed pale sweaty face after yet another
barf session. Things that you used to love but could not
eat because you were watching your exploding waistline
will become food that will make you sick. Really, really
sick! Like projectile bile all across the bathroom floor
sick. You can also forget those Nutella jars that you had
tucked away for those pregnant nights. *sigh* In fact,
most things will make you feel nauseous and/or irritable.
It might be the smell of that orange, the crinkling of the
paper or your spouse breathing. With all those hormonal
changes, there will be times when you will want to throw
one or all of them out the window. But you won’t actually do it, hopefully. *Fingers crossed* The next step is
that one fine day you will see this single straight vertical
line appear out of nowhere under your naval. Thoughts
about you having an alien baby and if this is the landing
runway, will cross your mind. You will Google right away
and be relieved that this (linea nigra) is a normal occurrence. Only to be horrified the next time you see your
34 | BOOM