BOOM December 2015 | Page 34

WOMEN What they don’t tell you about being pregnant I t first starts with the woman (let’s name her Boops) peeing on a stick while simultaneously trying not to wet her hand. It is not a pretty sight. No, don’t try to imagine it. I said, don’t! Then comes the waiting period. Tic Toc, Tic Toc – the longest two minutes to date. Is it one line, or two lines? One… no… two, I definitely see two! And voila, just like that you are pregnant. The hand you possibly splattered on is forgotten, as you wipe your forehead in relief (or fear) that you are now about to step into another phase of your life – the most beautiful one ever.a Or so you think. Congratulations are passed around; you have bought What to Expect When You’re Expecting and are happily looking forward to being able to eat everything in sight like a hog, and then some, and still end up with glowing skin. Bless the naive hearts! While every pregnancy is different and some less difficult than others, what a pregnant woman will face, at least for a little while, is the dreaded morning sickness. I don’t know why they call it morning sickness, because it doesn’t frikkin’ end in the morning. In fact, it goes on striking you throughout the day and sometimes doesn’t stop for months. Yes, months! It’s like the never-ending morning from a zombie apocalypse movie! And where is that darned glowing skin you wonder, as you look at your sunken-eyed pale sweaty face after yet another barf session. Things that you used to love but could not eat because you were watching your exploding waistline will become food that will make you sick. Really, really sick! Like projectile bile all across the bathroom floor sick. You can also forget those Nutella jars that you had tucked away for those pregnant nights. *sigh* In fact, most things will make you feel nauseous and/or irritable. It might be the smell of that orange, the crinkling of the paper or your spouse breathing. With all those hormonal changes, there will be times when you will want to throw one or all of them out the window. But you won’t actually do it, hopefully. *Fingers crossed* The next step is that one fine day you will see this single straight vertical line appear out of nowhere under your naval. Thoughts about you having an alien baby and if this is the landing runway, will cross your mind. You will Google right away and be relieved that this (linea nigra) is a normal occurrence. Only to be horrified the next time you see your 34 | BOOM