be ? The same ideal answer — the parents — but the same problem : too much to do and too little time to do it .
So who else can ? There is only one answer — grandparents . There can be an incredible connection , even a symbiosis , between generation one and generation three . It is a connection that can preserve traditions , that can build character , and that can bring joy to both .
And it ’ s not a new idea , not by any means . Most of the world works like that — grandparents doing much of the teaching , nurturing , identity building and supporting , while the parents are earning the living . Three-generation households are the norm and not the exception in most of the world . And the kids and the grandparents are the happier for it .
We don ’ t need to live in the same house , but we grandparents can save the world by how proactively we grandparent our grandchildren .
As baby boomers and grandparents ourselves , we write to other baby boomer grandparents . We write as people with a lot of interests and passions and priorities , and we write to others of our age who also have a lot of interests , passions , and priorities . We have our careers , we have our sports and our friends and our hobbies and our travel and our music and our other personal interests . We have our causes , we have our bucket lists , we have our cars and our boats and our toys , we have our politics and our clubs and our churches and our other responsibilities . We have our siblings and our extended families . And some of us still have our own aging parents . And we have our children who , even as adults , are still our children .
But none of us , when we really sit down and think about it , have anything quite as delightful and as joyful as our grandchildren . They are our flesh and blood . They are our pride and joy . And ultimately , they are our only real legacy .
How much of our time and our mental energy are we devoting to those precious and perfect little kids who carry on our name and our genetics and our view of the world ? And how deliberate and thoughtful are we about the time we spend with them , about what we can do for them , about the relationship we want with them , now and for the rest of our lives ? How grand is grandparenting ? About as grand as we make it !
We don ’ t get a lot of training about how to be grandparents . It ’ s different than parenting , and there is no owner ’ s guide or instruction manual .
When your kids have kids , you have a decision to make : What kind of grandparent will you be ? There are several levels of grandparenting , and each comes with a different attitude :
1 . DISENGAGED GRANDPARENTING .
Attitude : I raised my kids and now it ’ s their turn to raise their kids . I ’ m done .
This attitude might lead you to downsize into a seniors-only condo in sun city by a golf course where your days would be quiet but boring .
2 . LIMITED GRANDPARENTING . Attitude : Love to see them but in limited doses and on my terms .
In this model , grandkids are like amusement parks : you visit once in a while to have fun . Or like dinner guests , you have them over now and then when it ’ s convenient .
3 . SUPPORTIVE GRANDPARENTING .
Attitude : My kids need all the help they can get with their kids , and I want to be there for them .
With this approach , you become part helper , part martyr , sacrificing your own life to be at the beck and call of your adult children whenever they “ need ” you to help with the kids .
4 . PROACTIVE GRANDPARENTING .
Attitude : My children are the stewards for their children . But I can teach these grandkids things their parents cannot , and I can be an essential part of an organized , three-generation family . And by thinking about it — hard — and coming up with a strategy and a plan , I can make a real difference in my grandkids lives , even as I add joy to my own life and keep myself young .
Only at this fourth level does grandparenting become effective , consequential , and truly fun . At this level , you deliberately ponder the needs you can uniquely fulfill and you set goals and plans to enhance your grandchildren ’ s lives . And you do so in concert with the goals and stewardship of their parents . This approach will stretch and test you , but it will also reward you with levels of fulfillment and well-being and love and peace otherwise unobtainable .
Let ’ s do it not only in terms of everything you might do for your grandkids , but in the more controllable terms of what you can be for your grandkids . Being an effective , influential grandparent is not about changing the grandkids . It ’ s about changing yourself !
Richard Eyre and Linda Eyre are the New York Times # 1 bestselling authors of Teaching Your Children Values , as well as a dozen other parenting books . They are now focusing on writing and speaking to grandparents ( see lifeinfullcruise . com and lifeinfullonq . com ). Their latest book is Life in Full : Maximizing Your Longevity and Legacy .
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