BK Designs & Photography Ateres Star Issue 6 - Purim Edition

ADAR 5775 A MESIVTA ATERES YAAKOV STUDENT PUBLICATION Volume 24 Issue 6 - Purim Edition March 2015 DISCLAIMER #1: All the content in this special Purim issue is guaranteed to be 100% false, fake and fraudulent. Side effects of reading this paper may include dizziness, nausea, seasickness, and an eerie insight into the twisted mass of neurons that the writers for this paper consider to be their brains. Disclaimer #2: The above disclaimer was inserted due to the insistence of the AY Star’s legal team as well as the school administration DEFLATEGATE II— MAY EAGLES INVESTIGATED BY YFL By Ari Banner-11th Grade DISCLAIMER: MAY’s football team’s dominance IS attributable to their innate skill and the veggies the players eat daily. They do NOT cheat in athletics or in school. Obviously. Hence, all information in this story is satirical and the team’s undefeated record is above reproach. After the MAY Eagles finished their 5th shutout of the year to improve to a league-leading 10-0, word leaked from the Yeshiva Football League office that the Eagles were being investigated for deflating their footballs by 23 lbs. The suspicions were first raised by the head coach of the Rambam team after they were decimated 28-7 by the Eagles. When MAY’s next game ended in a 33-0 yawner of a blowout in which Ari Shaulson, the Eagles’ star QB, passed for approximately 13 zillion yards and ran for another million or two, the referees could be seen on the sideline with a ball pump gage to determine if the PSI was at the proper level. These league-wide standards are clearly delineated in the YFL rulebook which is comprised of two greasy Mesivta Ateres Yaakov 131 Washington Ave Lawrence, NY 11559 napkins taped together with diagrams and doodles scrawled in between the ketchup stains. The MAY Eagles hosted a press conference to address the allegations. Ari Shaulson, the aforementioned star quarterback of the Eagles’ offense said, “My TD to INT ratio of 112-2 is entirely the result of my tremendous skill on the field and a bracha that my 3rd grade Rebbe once gave me. It has nothing to do with a better grip from a flat football, even if Momo Goodstein did once manage to catch a throw from me with just his pinkie.” However, an Continued on Page 5 MAY GYM PROJECT PROGRESSES UNDER NEW LEADERSHIP By: Benjy Terebelo - 12th Grade DISCLAIMER: All names in this fake news story are 100% fictional. Any similarity to a real person is entirely coincidental. Major progress has been made in the building of Mesivta Ateres Yaakov’s new gym facility. The project is now being overseen by a new leading contractor who goes by the title “Bobby” (well, at least that’s what they call him). Bobby is a highly competent and “licensed” architect, engineer, contractor, custodian, or anything else you would like him to be. Bobby believes that the construction of the gym will be completed as soon as September of 2001 (dates are fuzzy for him, and certainly don’t ask him who is the President of the US) and will cost a meager $2,500 to build. In a recent interview, Bobby stated, “The gym vill be built, but vhen, nobody knows!” Although there may not be a gym currently, MAY has made significant efforts to provide a place for students to play. While it might seem counterintuitive to build a court before a gym, the yeshiva built two black-top basketball courts behind the school for students to play on during their breaks (or occasionally when they don’t have breaks). In his expert opinion, Bobby believes that the gym could have been nearly completed had it not been for the black-top covering the site where the excavation is supposed to take place. He admits that it may be challenging to “build valls around zhem vhile INSIDE Letter from The Janitors Page 2 Mocking Mock Trial Page 3 Nerf-Gate Scandal Continued on Page 5 MAY Goes Clubbing Page 5 Famous Last Words Page 6 Bobby Hired to Build Gym Continued on Page 9 100% Fake News Blurbs Page 9 Funny Zone Pages 10-11 Continued on Page 9 The Ateres Yaakov Star A Student Publication [email protected]