family life
BY CHRISTA MELNYK HINES
Divorce:
Y
How to Tell the Kids
our marriage is over and now
you have the heart-wrenching
task of telling your children.
How should you break the news?
Tell them together. Barring a harm-
ful or abusive situation, your children
need you both to continue parenting
together. Even if your children are at
different ages of maturity, they need to
hear the announcement as a family, says
Dr. Martye Barnard, a pediatric psychol-
ogist. After that, you and your spouse
should talk to each individual child.
Address guilt. Reassure your
children that they did nothing to cause
the divorce. Explain to them that even
32
though you are no longer married, you
are their parents first and your love for
them won’t change.
When you discuss your break-up,
keep in mind that different age groups
typically require different approaches.
Preschoolers. “It’s amazing how
much (preschoolers) understand,” Bar-
nard says. “They’re pretty insightful, but
they don’t understand the time element
quite like the grade schooler or high
schooler would. When you say this is
going to happen this month, it doesn’t
make sense to them.”
Adrienne Dreher, a family coun-
selor, suggests using a calendar to help
your preschooler count the days to
when she will see each parent. “Chil-
dren need to have stability and know
what to expect. The sooner a regular
parenting plan that works for everyone
can be set up, the better,” she says.
Wondering what your child is feel-
ing? Children often express feelings
through play, Dreher says. Also, read
age-appropriate books together like
The Way I Feel series, to help your child
learn to share his feelings, including
anger, sadness and loss.
School-age. Define what divorce
means by explaining that you and
your spouse will no longer be living
under the same roof. Again, explain
that the divorce is not about them, but
avoid blaming the other parent for the
divorce. “None of the adult stuff should
be shared with the kids,” Barnard says.
“Those kids really need to be reassured
that they have parents that love them.”
Adolescence. As children enter
adolescence, parents may be tempted
to explain the divorce. Barnard urges
parents to avoid sharing details of why
the divorce happened. “I know adults
that aren’t old enough to understand
it,” she says.