And In The End Does It Even Really Matter?
By PIXIE
There comes a time even in a virtual reality that you allow yourself to feel and I mean really feel. You choose someone that you already feel close to. You think nothing could break this connection apart. Then like a hard slap in the face you are left behind, often with unresolved feelings or questions. For once you let your barriers down allowed another person into your life. But this time it’s different you feel differently like you have met someone you are willing to change your whole world for. It scares you but for once you don’t run. You hope with very fibre that the other person feels the same. When they don’t or there are complications you cannot control how you will react to this you do your best to not be dramatic but everything about you screams drama.
When you look back you begin to notice flaws in the relationship how they never promise anything, doesn’t mean that they didn’t lead you on too. They may have allowed you to hope, hope for a life with them and only them and pulled that back with little or no warning. You begin to hope that this is something that you should hold on to and still do in many ways. They tell you they have loved you for a long time and they think you are something amazing. You can’t see what is so special about you. Then everything is pulled back…….A catalyst happens in which changes that dynamic. You begin to question everything…….even yourself. Your confidence falters. Was it something you said or did that made them change their mind? You begin to realise after a very long time it was nothing of the sort and this was how it was meant to be. You still feel there has to be a reason and often you may find yourself doing anything to get that connection back but if they have moved on is it really worth the time and effort. Sometimes true feelings are hard to let go and you simply don’t want to.
You’re friends become your support network they tell you all the right things such as. The other person doesn’t deserve you that you need to move on because they clearly have. For some reason you’re holding onto some thread that this can work but being realistic would it ever work. Some friends will try to get you to move on sooner then you are ready …they say it’s not you it’s them. They must be crazy to let someone like you go.
You eventually move on. Only your heart is a little smaller, your barriers a little higher. Someone has to break through those barriers harder this time to prove themselves to you. And the pattern repeats again and those questions surface. Was it me? Was it something I did? You go around in cycles a few times until you finally feel there is little left of your heart.
You become something you don’t want to be you become a heartless ice queen. You promise yourself to stop letting people in, to be more cautious. You become too cautious, too heartless that you begin to not let anyone in. You promise yourself you will never get hurt like you have because that is easier then dealing with the hurt you already faced. Until someone comes along they manage to push you like never before. They manage to claw at your boundaries, before you even realise they have they are in your heart. This time your emotions overflow you, they make love to you like they mean it. You lose yourself in them so easily you forget everything else. You feel like your emotions are driving you insane. Simply putting it you can’t stop thinking about this person. Until you realise you loved him all along too….it just took a simple kiss for everything to change. Only again the cycle repeats and your heart is left to dust.
Quoting Linken Park, I tried so hard and got so far but in the end it doesn’t even matter. I had to fall to lose it all but in the end it doesn’t even matter. Only it does matter each time you have allowed yourself to feel again………..in the end it really does matter, the heart does heal. One day someone will come along, they will claw at your barriers but remember to let them in enough to tell you how you feel. Don’t be scared because yes you may get hurt but isn’t that better then never knowing at all? Never knowing if they were really the one of even worse that they were the one and you didn’t allow yourself to feel. So in the end it does matter everything matters live, love and laugh like there is no tomorrow. Tell that person you love them don’t be scared if they don’t love you back at least you will know and you can move on knowing you tried. Because trying is better than doing nothing and moving on without knowing.