A Year in the Life From left: Poulson, Hash, Hash on her wedding day,

Nyanin, and Max-Dixon

NYANIN: COLBY BLOUNT. MAX-DIXON: NICOLE LEBRIS. PLANT: MICHELA RAVASIO / STOCKSY. POULSON: COURTESY OF CHARLES POULSON. WEDDING: JACK LOONEY. HASH: COURTESY OF EMILY HASH. FLAG: DREW CLINE

somehow, despite all the rejections, I felt my creative impulses spark. I started to write: a blog, poems, essays. With no luck finding a full-time job, I became convinced that I needed to make a freelance career work. To build the world I want for myself rather than bang on perpetually closed doors.

I never imagined I could survive without a regular job. Now, a little more than a year later, I have more conviction than ever that losing my job was one of the better things to happen in my life. It has put me on a creative path I might never have had the courage to fully jump into. And I don’ t say this from a place of success— I’ m still couch surfing! But I have learned so much: how to become my own PR, how to pitch new projects. I’ m in preproduction for a podcast and a travel show.

It can be unsettling to no longer have a steady paycheck, but I am a more compassionate person having suffered this upheaval, and that means I can be a better friend, a better daughter, and a better person. I am more fearless.

… Dating as a Trans Man

I’ d already had top surgery and spent three years taking testosterone before I felt ready to date as a passing trans man.( That means when people first see me, they think of me as a man.) My first date was with a woman I met through friends.( I made us gluten-free macaroni and cheese, and I could tell she was probably into me when she suggested we“ Ladyand-the-Tramp this mac and cheese.”) When I drove her home, I came out to her as trans, in a panic. I can’ t be totally comfortable unless I’ m being true to myself. She was really sweet about it, but we didn’ t last.

Most of the women I’ ve dated, I’ ve met through something transition-related, an event or a group, so I usually don’ t even have to tell them I’ m trans. When I do, a

lot of women don’ t bat an eyelash, which is probably my favorite reaction. A few have seemed surprised and said things like,“ You look so manly!” They mean well, but they make me feel like I’ m supposed to be or look a certain way. A better reaction?“ Tell me about your experiences around that,” which could lead to more meaningful conversations. A few women have been totally inappropriate; they ask,“ Do you have a penis?”“ Do you still have a vagina?”“ How big were your boobs?”

Then there’ s been the whole issue of sexuality: Early on I feared that if I dated a lesbian, she would still see me as a woman( albeit an incredibly butch one). But I also worried that if I went to a straight bar to talk to a( presumably) straight girl, I’ d feel like I had this taboo secret— even though I wasn’ t keeping being trans a secret! This was all exhausting. I thought about it more, and I began to understand that I don’ t care what someone’ s sexual orientation is. If we’ re mutually into each other and the relationship is healthy, then everything else is just secondary.

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