A Year in the Life From left : Poulson , Hash , Hash on her wedding day ,

Nyanin , and Max-Dixon

NYANIN : COLBY BLOUNT . MAX-DIXON : NICOLE LEBRIS . PLANT : MICHELA RAVASIO / STOCKSY . POULSON : COURTESY OF CHARLES POULSON . WEDDING : JACK LOONEY . HASH : COURTESY OF EMILY HASH . FLAG : DREW CLINE

somehow , despite all the rejections , I felt my creative impulses spark . I started to write : a blog , poems , essays . With no luck finding a full-time job , I became convinced that I needed to make a freelance career work . To build the world I want for myself rather than bang on perpetually closed doors .

I never imagined I could survive without a regular job . Now , a little more than a year later , I have more conviction than ever that losing my job was one of the better things to happen in my life . It has put me on a creative path I might never have had the courage to fully jump into . And I don ’ t say this from a place of success — I ’ m still couch surfing ! But I have learned so much : how to become my own PR , how to pitch new projects . I ’ m in preproduction for a podcast and a travel show .

It can be unsettling to no longer have a steady paycheck , but I am a more compassionate person having suffered this upheaval , and that means I can be a better friend , a better daughter , and a better person . I am more fearless .

… Dating as a Trans Man

I ’ d already had top surgery and spent three years taking testosterone before I felt ready to date as a passing trans man . ( That means when people first see me , they think of me as a man .) My first date was with a woman I met through friends . ( I made us gluten-free macaroni and cheese , and I could tell she was probably into me when she suggested we “ Ladyand-the-Tramp this mac and cheese .”) When I drove her home , I came out to her as trans , in a panic . I can ’ t be totally comfortable unless I ’ m being true to myself . She was really sweet about it , but we didn ’ t last .

Most of the women I ’ ve dated , I ’ ve met through something transition-related , an event or a group , so I usually don ’ t even have to tell them I ’ m trans . When I do , a

lot of women don ’ t bat an eyelash , which is probably my favorite reaction . A few have seemed surprised and said things like , “ You look so manly !” They mean well , but they make me feel like I ’ m supposed to be or look a certain way . A better reaction ? “ Tell me about your experiences around that ,” which could lead to more meaningful conversations . A few women have been totally inappropriate ; they ask , “ Do you have a penis ?” “ Do you still have a vagina ?” “ How big were your boobs ?”

Then there ’ s been the whole issue of sexuality : Early on I feared that if I dated a lesbian , she would still see me as a woman ( albeit an incredibly butch one ). But I also worried that if I went to a straight bar to talk to a ( presumably ) straight girl , I ’ d feel like I had this taboo secret — even though I wasn ’ t keeping being trans a secret ! This was all exhausting . I thought about it more , and I began to understand that I don ’ t care what someone ’ s sexual orientation is . If we ’ re mutually into each other and the relationship is healthy , then everything else is just secondary .

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