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JUST A LIGHT BACKGROUND CHECK, FINANCIAL AUDIT, AND REFERENCE REVIEW BEFORE DRINKS …
State University. So there are benefits to looking through his feed. That’ s how Taylor, 21, avoided a total d-bag.“ I backstalked this guy, Will, who was flirting with me, and discovered on another girl’ s page that she was‘ In a Relationship with Will.’ If I hadn’ t seen that, I would’ ve gone out with him,” she says.
Beyond that dodged-abullet benefit, backstalking can help you suss out what matters in a partner, says Tracy Alloway, PhD, a psychologist who researches how social media influences decision making. If finding a guy’ s shirtless gym selfie, captioned“ Get swoll,” turns
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you off, you know he’ s not your type. Conversely, says Alloway, certain discoveries can help you develop empathy. Violette, 28, agrees:“ I met a guy who was almost 30 and lived with his mom. That was a red flag. But when I figured out from his Facebook that he’ d gone back to school and was working toward becoming a professor, I saw him in a different light.”
What’ s the Problem?
With all those advantages, shouldn’ t we all go on a backstalking binge every time we have a date? Well,
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You Got Busted Back- Stalking. Now What? After a sneaky spy sesh, slipups can happen. Remember that time you accidentally Liked his brother’ s Insta? Cringe. Diane Gottsman, owner of The Protocol School of Texas, offers these recovery strategies.
Own It
Tell him you were checking out his account, really liked the photo, and decided to Heart it. If you’ re chill about it, he will be too.
Make a Joke
Say something like:“ Don’ t worry. I’ m only a part-time P. I.” By hinting that it’ s something we all do( yes, guys too), you’ ll defuse the awkwardness.
Move On
If he doesn’ t seem to notice, there’ s no reason to dwell. We are harder on ourselves and tend to overanalyze. So instead, change the convo to the awesome new restaurant you just tried.
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no. Here’ s why: At a certain point, backstalkers know so much about a guy that having a normal conversation— one in which you are naturally discovering things about him— can be a challenge, says Bree McEwan, PhD, an assistant professor of communication studies at DePaul University. Plus, all that covert knowledge gives an artificial feeling to the situation.
And if you’ ve performed the sort of intensive background check that would wow the CIA, chances are, you have intel you’ d be uncomfortable admitting. The fact that he doesn’ t know you know some very specific stuff about his life casts a shady vibe over the relationship in its earliest stages. Finally, just like most of us, he probably curates his online persona, which gives you a limited perspective from which to make judgments.“ We tend to find out what a person makes available, and that’ s not the full picture,” Tong says. The information you really want about someone is more nuanced. And for that, you need in-person interactions.
What’ s Your Pre- Date Playbook?
With all this in mind, here’ s our Cosmo-approved backstalking sweet spot: Limit your sleuthing to a cursory search that will make you feel excited about this guy— he’ s cute in his pics.… He just saw a band you love.… That sort of thing. After that, step away from the social, and wait for the fun of finding out about him for real. ■
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JANUARY 2017 _ COSMOPOLITAN _ 63 |