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confident in your sexual tastes, letting someone else know what you want won’ t feel quite so scary.
Harness the Power of Sexting
Sometimes it’ s easier to write about sex than to talk about it directly. It could be fun and hot to text your partner about what turns you on, what makes you feel good, and what makes you feel close— even if he’ s in the same room. Text him:“ It was so sexy when you ….” Then say,“ Take out your phone— there’ s a note from me.” Watch him as he reads your message. If he seems to be squirming,
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tell him,“ You can write back to me.” That way, he has time to compose his thoughts and reply without feeling put on the spot. Sexting this way ensures that the conversation stays playful, while you both communicate important information to each other.
Turn It Into a Game
Asking for what you want can make you feel vulnerable, but if you make it fun, the pressure falls away. Tell your partner,“ Let’ s play Truth or Dare. We each have five questions.” Use those questions to ask if he likes a certain act or a certain pace,
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and he’ ll do the same to you. The dares can be sweet or sexy things you want to do(“ I dare you to kiss me the way you want me to kiss you”). You’ ll find out where he stands, he’ ll get a clearer picture of what you really want in bed, and you’ ll avoid the awkwardness of a direct conversation.
Connect When You Feel Closest
Those intimate moments postsex are great for bonding, both sexually and emotionally, because you’ ve just released oxytocin so you feel especially connected.( Women release it even during pleasurable sexual
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Talk While You’ re Walking
Even for women in longterm relationships, sex talks can be hard! Women tell me they fear their boyfriend might interpret a sudden interest in talking about sex as an indication that he’ s been doing something wrong or she’ s been unhappy the whole time— when really, her preferences may have just changed a bit, as they do for everyone. Rather than sitting across from each other, start talking while you’ re walking or driving and not looking directly at each other. That way, it doesn’ t feel like a big confrontation, especially when you use inviting language that frames this as just a conversation, not a performance review. Try:“ We talk about everybody else’ s sex life, but we don’ t talk about our own. Why do you think that is?” Most of all, focus on what you’ d like, rather than what he’ s not doing right. People love to feel good about themselves, so pump up his ego a bit! If he feels he’ s already doing okay, he’ ll be more responsive to your needs. ■
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