CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
by Esther Perel
How to Speak Up in Bed
GET MORE OF WHAT YOU WANT BY FOLLOWING THIS INTIMATE ADVICE.
Having sex? Fun. Talking about sex with your partner? Not so much. Why is the latter so hard? Because many of us grew up in families where the topic was taboo. How many parents sit down with their daughters and say,“ Here’ s how you ask for good sex …”? If the subject is raised at all, we focus on the risks. So it’ s no wonder that many of us form the impression that sex is dirty, men are predators, and women shouldn’ t talk about their desires. As adults, we’ re expected to be at ease with our needs, when in reality, many women start having sex without fully knowing their anatomy or what feels good to them.
On the surface, it sounds like an easy fix: Simply verbalize your feelings and get what you want in bed. But too many of us hold back for fear of being judged or because we worry we’ ll come off as too needy or demanding, which might drive a man away. Yet, you might be surprised to know it’ s often just as hard for guys to talk about sex. For them, there’ s the added pressure of the societal belief that men are supposed to be all-knowing about sex. If they confess to a lack of expertise, they fear it will make them seem weak. To help you both, here’ s a handful of proven tactics to make your carnal communications easier.
Explore What Turns You On
Before you can convey your wants, you need to identify them. It may feel a bit odd at first, but ask yourself: What type of kissing or touching do I like? Do I prefer the lights on or off? In the heat of the moment, would I rather feel cherished or ravished? Beyond that, think about what fantasies turn you on or what specific details make you feel more engaged in sex. To help get into the right mind-set, you could light some candles, run a bath, and touch yourself with light strokes— all over— to discover what you respond to. Women often say to me that they avoid telling their partner if something doesn’ t feel good and, instead, simply wait for it to be over. But trust me, once you grow more
ESTHER PEREL IS A SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS THERAPIST, THE BEST- SELLING AUTHOR OF MATING IN CAPTIVITY, AND A CONSULTANT FOR THE HIT SHOWTIME SERIES THE AFFAIR. HER TED TALKS ON DESIRE AND INFIDELITY HAVE BEEN VIEWED MORE THAN 14 MILLION TIMES.