Wilde Things
| by Fingal Wilde
Dr Livingstone, I Presume
I have a gardener whose name is Livingstone. A delightful fellow who hails from Malawi, even though Livingstone
is in Zambia, if my map serves me correctly. Livingstone doesn’t mind me describing him as a gardener, but if
his name was Pallo I am sure he would want to be described as a landscape consultant, or since he spends an
inordinate amount of time keeping the lawn spick and span, maybe a prairie professor.
W
ith the amazing
number of
disclosures recently
about people (mostly cadre
appointees) claiming education
levels far above the reality, I
have got to a stage where if
anyone claims a qualification
I don’t believe it. It has got so
bad that I have even checked
my very own university
qualifications, just in case I
am living in a parallel universe,
and have gone from being
first world educated to a third
world never never land of false
degrees and made up CV’s.
But back to Livingstone. As he
is Malawian, I was interested
➲ An example of what happens when incompetent people are put in positions of authority is SANRAL and the
e-toll fiasco. But other toll operators also suffer from this malaise – I took this picture of a toll road between
in his education levels, as
Nelspruit and Malelane, after they took R54 from me for spending three hours waiting while construction took
compared to South Africa.
place – when asked the cashier said that they needed the money to fix the road – but they should only charge
After a long discussion, it
toll fees when the road is fixed! But this is the logic you get when incompetent people are appointed
appears that he has the
equivalent of a South African
government employers such as the
matric, but not with a matric exemption.
department of telecommunications and
He happily admits this, and he is even
postal services, and the SABC.
happier to admit that even though he left
This institution shall be known as the
school at the ripe old age of 20, he has no
Free University of Curriculum Knowledge,
degrees. Sensible fellow, our Livingstone,
Official Facts File. I have decided not to
and one who is quite happy with his lot,
allocate an acronym to this university,
unlike his southern neighbours. And he
although I am sorely tempted.
has no airs and graces, and is someone
who is quite content to be a good solid
The degrees, qualifications and honorific
citizen. Once again, very unlike his
titles to be offered will be varied, such as
southern neighbours. So I have come
MBE (Matric Bought Expensively); PhD
to the conclusion that the urge to be
(Phallic Doctor, aka the Chippy Shaik
So there, in one fell swoop, we
someone you are not, and to acquire an
award); B.Com (Blade Communism aka
will become a highly degreed
education far beyond your actual tertiary
the Buy Expensive Cars and be more equal
abilities, is a disease that makes us South
nation, and even my gardener,
than the proletariat degree); MBA (Master
Africans unique. Well, at least some of us
after attending or not attending
of Bugger All – incidentally this degree is
South A fricans. There are a few honest
any institution, shall become a
also awarded by many other mainstream
people out there, I hope.
horticultural graduate, and when
universities); BSc (Bachelor of Shower
Caps – equivalent to a standard three); and
It is with this in mind that I have decided
he comes to trim the hedges,
the highly sought after BBA (Black Box
to start an educational institution, to
I shall say “Dr Livingstone,
accolade aka the orange overall woodwork
confer degrees that will surely impress
I presume”.
proficiency diploma).
prospective government and quasi-
| words in action
64
september 2014