Autism Diagnosis
There ’ s a video clip taken in Spain that shows a couple who plans a vacation to the beach and ends up in the mountains . These are both beautiful places , but they are quite different in climate , and the couple does not have the warm clothes or shoes they need and they are not familiar with the area . They also do not have a map .
This is my story of when I ended up in the mountains . There were times that were so strenuous it would be impossible to capture in words . My journey also included some of the most beautiful mountain peaks I ’ ve ever seen . There ’ s so much more left of this journey , but now I am prepared .
My son was diagnosed with autism at two years old . Most of my grief was consistent with the Kübler- Ross model — denial followed by anger , bargaining , depression , and acceptance . However , because of my medical background and training in observing patients , denial and bargaining were short and quickly overrun with scientific thinking .
I learned that the process of grieving would not just happen then , it would happen throughout our lives , as my son grew and new milestones were expected . What I did not understand early on was that , as my son got older , I would become stronger and more resilient and so would my family . We would be able to handle the situation better and go through the process faster .
There are several hurtful things that people can say in response to an invisible disability . These , in turn , can make the grieving process harder . There ’ s the friend who tells you that nothing is wrong with your
In the beginning , you may not be open to hearing someone tell you how to deal with your circumstances . Take your time , take it day by day . child ( after he has been diagnosed ), and there ’ s the person who says : “ You are the right person to have this child .” Really ? Why not you ? And then there are those who offer suggestions : “ Try to be more consistent with his sleep .” “ Maybe a healthier diet ?” “ Pray more and your child will be healed .”
We learn from these experiences that sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all , especially when a person is not sure what stage their grieving friend may be in .
I read a book during the time I was feeling angry . When Bad Things Happen to Good People , by Harold S . Kushner , put meaning to the suffering that humans endure . It allowed me to feel more at peace with the diagnosis . It helped to transition my feelings into the bargaining stage .
When the tears came , it felt like a flood amidst the desert of New Mexico that we were living in . Sometimes one parent grieves alone because the other parent is still in denial . My husband and I were both grieving and we would wait for our son to go to bed so we could both cry . Then we developed an agreement where one of us would cry at night and the other person had the obligation to support them . Our system worked .
We know there is a high rate of divorce among parents of autistic children . In my experience , the more in tune the couple can be with each other ’ s feelings , the more successful they will be at getting through the hardest parts .
As a psychiatrist , I understood what was happening to me and knew that it would take a certain amount of time to get through the depression stage . But that didn ’ t make the pain any less . When I went to therapy appointments , they would ask what would be helpful . I would say to please just let me sit there and cry . I felt helpless , but with my training , I knew that sometimes you just have to wait .
I also realized that sometimes all I needed was someone sitting next to me , quietly . Just to know I wasn ’ t alone . In the beginning , you may not be open to hearing someone tell you how to deal with your circumstances . Take your time , take it day by day .