3 DECEMBER 2021 ausdoc . com . au
‘ Venessa had tried so hard , her hardest ’
Dr Gavin Pattullo .
PICTURE CREDIT having a shower would take it out of her . She could no longer enjoy her passion of cooking because even that made her breathless . She needed a wheelchair to go any distance or a walker-frame and oxygen concentrator pump to go unassisted . Even though Venessa was struggling , she still worked in the hospital until the week before she died .
She was a very good doctor — much loved by her patients — and a passionate , positive , optimistic person .
Super smart , having already obtained a PhD and was revising manuscripts for publication right up until the end .
I don ’ t know how much longer Venessa would have lived — maybe six months . She was slowly losing energy , and her loss of quality of life was hard for her . For a vibrant 42-year-old who was so used to going running and riding her bike , it was a big change .
Venessa had tried so hard , her hardest . It wasn ’ t that she had given up on life , but she realised
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1-3 that , actually , she needed to take the upper hand on her time to die and make sure it was where she wanted it to be .
The Saturday night before she chose to end her life , we went out to her favourite restaurant for her 42nd birthday .
She ordered the most expensive champagne they had by the glass . We had a great time , but she gave nothing away .
Then , on Monday , she took an overdose of medications .
After , I found all the goodbye letters she had written to me , her
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Abbreviations : IM , intramuscular ; t peak , time to peak epinephrine plasma concentration . References : 1 . EpiPen ® Approved Product Information October 2019 . 2 . EpiPen ® Jr Approved Product Information October 2019 . 3 . EpiPen ® Package Insert October 2019 . 4 . Worm M et al . Clin Transl Allergy 2020 ; 10:21 . dad , her sister and brother on her computer . She ’ d always said , when I die , everything will be on my computer .
And there they were — all dated that Monday . I treasure her love letter to me , and I am so grateful to have it . If ever I feel sad or lonely , I read that letter , and immediately I am lifted .
Surely , having a peaceful death at a time of your own choosing would be a precious part of the process for everyone . And that is why I see the positives for voluntary assisted dying .
The NSW Parliament is considering legislation , and that is why I recently spoke at a NSW parliamentary press conference on the issue .
Before any of this happened , I supported assisted dying as a private matter : people deserve the right to die in a way they choose .
My views haven ’ t been drastically altered by my experiences , but I ’ m much more aware of how important it is for people to have a choice .
Venessa was lucky in that she was a doctor and knew what to do . Once she had taken those medications , it was a very peaceful death . I know she didn ’ t suffer physically .
Others without a medical background don ’ t have that opportunity , and there are tragic stories around about the ways people have tried to end their lives without VAD .
Doctors and palliative care specialists often support VAD , only they can be scared to speak out on such a sensitive matter .
I feel I must honour Venessa ’ s life by sharing her story and helping others who might face similar experiences .
It does anger me that she was forced to do what she did .
Venessa had decided it was going to be in our home rather than in a hospital surrounded by people she didn ’ t necessarily know and at a time of her choosing .
I always take myself back to that moment , and how she must have felt as she walked up the stairs to our bedroom for the last time .
What on earth was she thinking ? Was she crying , not crying ? All those thoughts go through your mind .
I wish I could have been there with her .
To just hold Venessa ’ s hand one last time .
I don ’ t think I would have cried ; I would have been happy with her . A life lived to the full .
Dr Pattullo is a pain specialist and anaesthetist at Sydney ’ s Royal North Shore Hospital . He spoke to Carmel Sparke .
If this article has raised issues for you , or you ’ re concerned about someone you know , call Lifeline on 13 11 14 . You can also contact your local Doctors ’ Health Advisory Service .