Artslandia at the Performance: Portland Playhouse Nov/Dec 2014 | Page 52

george
Bailey:

Listen, mister, you seem to know an awful
lot about my life. Enough to know that. And,
well, I don’t wanna be rude, but, let me just
ask you this: did that particular Christmas
Eve of mine LOOK LIKE FUN TO YOU?!

Crumpet:

Fair point. But what is fun for you? What,
say, are some of your favorite holiday movies?
And do not – do not! – say It’s a Wonderful
Life.

george
Bailey:

Ernest Saves Christmas. And Santa with
Muscles (starring none other than Hulk
Hogan). And It’s a Wonderful Life!

Crumpet:

Santa with Muscles was also the feature debut
of Mila Kunis. Wildly underrated. Screening
at my place after we spend some sweet holiday time with America’s favorite non-couple,
Charlie Brown and Lucy Van Pelt! Charlie, I
have to start out with something I’d always
wanted to know – what is Snoopy really like?

luCy:

A queen never has to belittle herself by orchestrating others’ failures. Charlie Brown
can do that without my help. He excels at
failure. In fact, I would say he is the poster
child for failure. Please don’t misunderstand.
I like Charlie Brown. It is good to have friends
that make you look good when you stand next
to them. And I looked so good at the Christmas play!

Crumpet:

And how did the play go, Charlie? Your special ends before we have a chance to see the
performance.

Charlie:

It was pretty good. My mom liked it …

luCy:

He’s a great dog, my best friend. But maybe
that’s because I’m the one who feeds him.

[Interrupts] There was lots of applause.
Mostly for me. Linus was pretty good too and
afterward our parents took us to get double
scoops of ice cream on waffle cones ... and the
two flavors I got were chocolate cherry bliss
and spumoni. Two kinds of ice cream ... that
is happiness!

Crumpet:

Lucy, are you still in search of real estate?

Crumpet:

Just as I imagined, that is great to –

luCy:

luCy:

He is a DOG!! Good grief ... what do you
think he is like? He is lazy and smelly and
licks peoples’ faces with his disgusting dog
tongue. Yeeeech! Plus, I do not like to be
jumped on. It disturbs my pretty dresses.

Crumpet:

Ok, Lucy, ok. I’ll ask you – according to the
comic strips, you were 4 years old in 1950 and
8 years old in 1979. I understand time passes
slowly in comics, but now that there are no
more new Peanuts strips, are you afraid you’ll
never grow up?

luCy:

[Unperturbed] I have considered myself

A girl with my obvious charms never ends
her pursuit of real estate! I have learned over
the course of the years, however that I should
not rely solely on having my portfolio built
up through presents under the Christmas
tree, but that I should continue to study hard,
learn my math, and buy lots for myself when
I get out of school. I want a big pink mansion,
and a blue one, a white one and a yellow one
for starters. Each one will have a swimming
pool and I will let all my friends, with the
exception of Pig Pen, swim in them. Pig Pen
can swim if he takes a shower first. He is a
good kid, but perhaps he could do with a few
discounted sessions at my psychiatric booth.
My self-esteem is contagious when handled
properly.

Crumpet:

Finally, Charlie, I think it’s only appropriate
for us to end this with a trademark, “Oh, good
grief!” Can you take us to commercial?

Charlie:

OH, GOOD GRIEF!

luCy:

Give me a break … .

Charlie:

grown up since I got my first pair of big girl
pants when I was almost 3 years old. Since I
am obviously wise beyond my years, you really have no grounds to state that there is a
possibility I will never grown up. It would be
nice to wear more sequins and feathers like
older stars do, but my fashion sense has always been quite mature and my taste impeccable in spite of my chronological age. High
heels would be nice too, but saddle shoes do
go nicely with just about everything. It is a
very good thing I am patient as well ... my little brother can get to be quite trying after 64
years with that same smelly blanket.
Crumpet:

44

You were the one who suggested that Charlie
Brown d