Artslandia at the Performance: Portland Playhouse Nov/Dec 2014 | Page 52

george Bailey: Listen, mister, you seem to know an awful lot about my life. Enough to know that. And, well, I don’t wanna be rude, but, let me just ask you this: did that particular Christmas Eve of mine LOOK LIKE FUN TO YOU?! Crumpet: Fair point. But what is fun for you? What, say, are some of your favorite holiday movies? And do not – do not! – say It’s a Wonderful Life. george Bailey: Ernest Saves Christmas. And Santa with Muscles (starring none other than Hulk Hogan). And It’s a Wonderful Life! Crumpet: Santa with Muscles was also the feature debut of Mila Kunis. Wildly underrated. Screening at my place after we spend some sweet holiday time with America’s favorite non-couple, Charlie Brown and Lucy Van Pelt! Charlie, I have to start out with something I’d always wanted to know – what is Snoopy really like? luCy: A queen never has to belittle herself by orchestrating others’ failures. Charlie Brown can do that without my help. He excels at failure. In fact, I would say he is the poster child for failure. Please don’t misunderstand. I like Charlie Brown. It is good to have friends that make you look good when you stand next to them. And I looked so good at the Christmas play! Crumpet: And how did the play go, Charlie? Your special ends before we have a chance to see the performance. Charlie: It was pretty good. My mom liked it … luCy: He’s a great dog, my best friend. But maybe that’s because I’m the one who feeds him. [Interrupts] There was lots of applause. Mostly for me. Linus was pretty good too and afterward our parents took us to get double scoops of ice cream on waffle cones ... and the two flavors I got were chocolate cherry bliss and spumoni. Two kinds of ice cream ... that is happiness! Crumpet: Lucy, are you still in search of real estate? Crumpet: Just as I imagined, that is great to – luCy: luCy: He is a DOG!! Good grief ... what do you think he is like? He is lazy and smelly and licks peoples’ faces with his disgusting dog tongue. Yeeeech! Plus, I do not like to be jumped on. It disturbs my pretty dresses. Crumpet: Ok, Lucy, ok. I’ll ask you – according to the comic strips, you were 4 years old in 1950 and 8 years old in 1979. I understand time passes slowly in comics, but now that there are no more new Peanuts strips, are you afraid you’ll never grow up? luCy: [Unperturbed] I have considered myself A girl with my obvious charms never ends her pursuit of real estate! I have learned over the course of the years, however that I should not rely solely on having my portfolio built up through presents under the Christmas tree, but that I should continue to study hard, learn my math, and buy lots for myself when I get out of school. I want a big pink mansion, and a blue one, a white one and a yellow one for starters. Each one will have a swimming pool and I will let all my friends, with the exception of Pig Pen, swim in them. Pig Pen can swim if he takes a shower first. He is a good kid, but perhaps he could do with a few discounted sessions at my psychiatric booth. My self-esteem is contagious when handled properly. Crumpet: Finally, Charlie, I think it’s only appropriate for us to end this with a trademark, “Oh, good grief!” Can you take us to commercial? Charlie: OH, GOOD GRIEF! luCy: Give me a break … . Charlie: grown up since I got my first pair of big girl pants when I was almost 3 years old. Since I am obviously wise beyond my years, you really have no grounds to state that there is a possibility I will never grown up. It would be nice to wear more sequins and feathers like older stars do, but my fashion sense has always been quite mature and my taste impeccable in spite of my chronological age. High heels would be nice too, but saddle shoes do go nicely with just about everything. It is a very good thing I am patient as well ... my little brother can get to be quite trying after 64 years with that same smelly blanket. Crumpet: 44 You were the one who suggested that Charlie Brown d