Artslandia at the Performance: Portland Playhouse Nov/Dec 2014 | Page 51

KriS:

No kidding! Mad is one way to put it. Have
you ever seen a saint really, really angry? We
are talking plagues of boils, bleeding eyeballs,
rabid animal attacks and weather pattern
changes. I have to keep it together, pal, to
avoid disaster, biblical-style.

Crumpet:

That actually makes a surprising amount of
sense. So, now that you’ve been through your
night of transformation, when you’ve sadly
passed to the other side, are there any people
who aren’t me that you would like to come
back and haunt or warn or scare?

Crumpet:

I have worked with a significant number of
people impersonating you. Many of them
were soiling your good name. Do you have
any quality control over that?

SCrooge:

[Chuckles jovially]

KriS

Crumpet:

SCrooge:

Soiling their pants is more like it! Have you
been to a mall? You think I’d let Uncle Chris
Creepy show up smelling of bacon and Old
Crow to talk to your children about Christmas if I had any control over this thing? Refer
to my answer above about our capitalist overlords and their hegemonic drive to control
our belief in supernatural holiday personas.
Every time one of those losers shows up in a
pinkish suit with flakes of croissant in their
beards, the elites win.
I couldn’t agree with you more. And now, let’s
hear directly from an “elite.” Welcome to the
hot seat, Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge! What was the
best Christmas gift you ever received?
Back before my transformation, the best
Christmas gift I ever received was in 1815,
when Sir Robert Peel’s proposed anti-childlabour law was defeated in parliament. Since
my transformation, there’ve been so many it’s
hard to pick one! Most recently the children
of the Portland public schools presented me
with the remnants of all the Starbucks cards
they had received in their stockings the previous Christmas, each whittled down to balances of less than 50 cents or so. The combined amount was a princely sum, which I
wanted to use to feed the city’s homeless for a
year. But you know they are always out of the
sandwich you want, and those card balances
can’t be redeemed for cash, so I settled for enjoying a lifetime supply of my special order
latte, The Foggy Marley. It’s made with goat’s
milk, which I have to bring in myself, but it’s
worth it. Portland goats are top notch.

Crumpet:

That’s simple. It was on account of the Ghost
of Christmas Present getting me quite tipsy.
Trotting about to all those holiday parties
across the length and breadth of London,
pouring us both a “cup of good cheer” at every stop or insisting, “Oh you must sample
the punch, Ebenezer!” Have you ever tried
keeping up with a GIANT on a night out? It
doesn’t begin to approach fair odds. By the
time Christmas Yet to Come arrived I couldn’t
see straight!

Crumpet:

Perfect. We’re running out of time, but the ladies want to know – boxers or briefs?

SCrooge:

Actually, Crumpet, I wear Gloomers. They’re
bloomers for gentlemen. Neiman Marcus
does them in a very special shade of London
grey – that’s g, r, E, y – and of course they’re
sustainably woven and fair labor sewn.

Crumpet:

I know someone else who strongly advocates
for fair labor. And in a moment of seamless
segue, it’s our next guest – George Bailey!
I’m going to start you out wi Ѡ