Artslandia at the Performance: Portland Playhouse Nov/Dec 2014 | Page 49

Crumpet:
Crumpet:

Our first guest is the lovely and talented Sugar Plum Fairy. You look fabulous.
Our first guest is the lovely and talented Sugar Plum Fairy. Hi.Hi. You look fabulous.
Must all the dancing. If If I lived Land of of Sweets, I would look … … well,
Must be be all the dancing. I lived thethe Land Sweets, I would look likelike well,
pretty much like I look. Let’s start with this: What is best holiday gift you ever
pretty much like I look. Let’s start with this: What is thethe best holiday gift you ever
received?
received?

Sugar
My favorite gifts sugary and edible! As ruler of of Land of of Sweets, I enjoy
Sugar
My favorite gifts areare sugary and edible! As ruler thethe Land Sweets, I enjoy a a
plum Fairy: never-ending supply since every confection in
plum Fairy: never-ending supply since every confection in thethe realm passes through my lips,
realm passes through my lips,

and my subjects constantly working to to improve upon already delectable
and my subjects areare constantly working improve upon thethe already delectable
offerings.
offerings.

Crumpet:
Crumpet:

SoSo the Land of of Sweets how might a person ... ummm ... getget there? And can
... ... the Land Sweets ... ... how might a person ... ummm ... there? And can
they stay forever?
they stay forever?

Sugar
Humans can reach the Land of Sweets when, at just right moment, under just
Sugar
Humans can reach the Land of Sweets when, at just thethe right moment, under just
plum Fairy: the right circumstances, if they are pure of heart, they show great bravery in the
plum Fairy:

the right circumstances, if they are pure of heart, they show great bravery in the
face unspeakable danger. The “pure of of heart” thing can more of of a challenge
face of of unspeakable danger. The “pure heart” thing can be be more a challenge
forfor adult humans. Especially since the dawn thethe Internet [sugary sweet smile].
adult humans. Especially since the dawn of of Internet [sugary sweet smile].
Human children can’t live desserts alone, so they must return home to to detox
Human children can’t live on on desserts alone, so they must return home detox
from their sugar high before long. But, of course, they will stay forever in hearts
from their sugar high before long. But, of course, they will stay forever in ourour hearts
and in theirs.
and wewe in theirs.

Crumpet:
Crumpet:

That’s generous. Sadly me, even in in face of of negligible danger, I show extreme
That’s generous. Sadly forfor me, even thethe face negligible danger, I show extreme
cowardice. For others, though
cowardice. For others, though — —
[Sugar Plum Fairy suddenly leaps from her seat into a grand
[Sugar Plum Fairy suddenly leaps from her seat into a grand
jeté, followed a series of pirouettes across the stage.]
jeté, followed byby a series of pirouettes across the stage.]

That was beautiful and random. Tell — Are you always this graceful? For our
That was beautiful and random. Tell meme — Are you always this graceful? For our
collective ego, please us that when you’re not welcoming guests of of honor,
collective ego, please telltell us that when you’re not welcoming guests honor, youyou
sometimes wear sweatpants and trip over nothing?
sometimes wear sweatpants and trip over nothing?
Sugar
Sugar
It is my duty to always, eternally graceful, kind, selfless – spreading that example
It is my duty to be be always, eternally graceful, kind, selfless – spreading that example
plum Fairy: all the inhabitants of of the Land. Having said that, I’ve had some near misses with
plum Fairy: to to all the inhabitants the Land. Having said that, I’ve had some near misses with

the Christmas Tree Angels. Still finding their feet, they are! far as as attire, I
the Christmas Tree Angels. Still finding their feet, they are! As As far mymy attire, I
did have slip into sweatpants the day the Cronut made its its debut, in in general
did have to to slip into sweatpants the day the Cronut made debut, butbut general
I prefer to to dress inway that keeps thethe Prince’s attention.
I prefer dress in a a way that keeps Prince’s attention.
Crumpet:
Crumpet:

Speaking of of princes and non-sequiturs, please brisé overseat – that’s right, I I
Speaking princes and non-sequiturs, please brisé over a a seat – that’s right,
know ballet terms – and make room forfor Kris Kringle! Lots room, if possible.
know ballet terms – and make room Kris Kringle! Lots of of room, if possible.
[Kris takes his seat, shaking his belly and beard.]
[Kris takes his seat, shaking his belly and beard.]

Welcome Kris. Let’s start with thethe important stuffhow do do you keep your beard
Welcome Kris. Let’s start with important stuff – – how you keep your beard
so so fluffy? Any product?
fluffy? Any product?
KriS:
KriS:

My stylist is amazing, but the regimen is fairly complicated. I apply a leave-in conMy stylist is amazing, but the regimen is fairly complicated. I apply a leave-in conditioner twice a week that is made of egg whites, cold-pressed virgin olive oil and
ditioner twice a week that is made of egg whites, cold-pressed virgin olive oil and
naturally occurring excretions from reindeer glands, followed by by gentle combing
naturally occurring excretions from reindeer glands, followed gentle combing
while blow drying using the cold setting. And then there’s mymy own natural manliwhile blow drying using the cold setting.