Tall, Straight Up and Down
By Keri Campbell
During my high school years I was known for being the very skinny, flat-chested, tall girl. That’s how everyone described me. I remember choosing to hang out with guys instead of girl groups because of the cruelty I felt from girls because of my skinniness. They believed in their minds that I was anorexic or bulimic and let me know it. Girls would flat out tell me they “Hated me” because I was so thin. They felt they were giving me a compliment, but it didn’t feel like one. The word ‘Hate’ stood out to me the most and would cut me deep. I felt rejected because of it. My guy friends were really nice to me but I still felt insecure about my body while hanging out with them. They talked about how hot curvy, sexy, big-chested women were in most of their conversations. I refused to let myself date any of them because in my mind I was nowhere near what they wanted in a woman. I was determined that I was going to get a boob job when I got older. I somehow felt that was the only way I would find a man or feel happy with my body. I believed that the breast augmentation was a must.
Years went by and I learned I was a beautiful woman but being flat-chested was still a big deal to me. When I was twenty-years-old I met a man who made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in his world. He pointed out that he loved my naturally skinny, flat-chested, tall body. He would tell me I was perfect. I started to love myself through his eyes. I felt secure for the first time with my body.
A year went by and he stopped complimenting me and I noticed he was paying more attention to other women. He started to put me down and say really hurtful words like: “Porn is perfection and you’re nowhere near it”. As he was comparing me towards other women’s bodies it reminded me of when I was younger and I started to hate my body again. The insecurities kicked back in. Not only did the man I was with talk about my body, but people around me too. I felt I had to get a breast augmentation for sure. But I didn’t want a breast augmentation for the man in my life. If I got one it would be for me and me alone.
At 34, I learned I didn’t feel right about getting a breast augmentation. There has to be a reason I am the way I am. My happiness and how I felt about myself depended on what a man thought of me. I learned that I get to love myself for me and not depend on someone else’s love. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it but I was. I was determined to look deeper into myself. I knew at that time I did not love my body and I was making myself depressed about it. I gave myself a challenge-I was going to love my body: NO MATTER WHAT. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I realized my insecurities had nothing to do with other people but the fact that I believed what other people thought of me. None of it was true and I knew it wasn’t true. So it was time to heal me and see what was real; but not only to see it but believe it. I needed to believe that I was perfect just the way I was created.
I began paying attention to my reaction I had of myself, especially after getting out of the shower and seeing myself in the mirror. I didn’t want to look. I noticed I would try to get out of the bathroom as fast as possible to get dressed. As soon as I got dressed and had on my push-up, padded bra, I felt better and was okay seeing myself in the mirror. I didn’t want to do that anymore.
©JessicaAsh
©JessicaAsh