They are ours for the enlightened embracing. YOU are not “only” your body. No one is. Think of the timeless female heroines. Helen Keller, Malala Yousafzai, Rosa Parks, Queen Elizabeth I, Yevdokiya Nikolayevna Zavaliy, Harriet Tubman, Anne Frank, Irena Sendler, Esther and other Biblical heroines, Nakano Takeko, Joan of Arc, Florence Nightingale, Mother Teresa... and YOU. Beauty never defined any of them. Their inner strength, bravery and self empathy did. That is what their names are remembered for.
The next time I gaze in the mirror at my body, I promise myself that I will be amazed at the sunbeams in my life instead. My tummy may be saggy from four C-sections and a tough time losing the “baby fat.” But my babies and I can share our sunbeams. My eyes used to look downtrodden from the evilness of an abusive relationship. But now, they sparkle so much brighter with the discovery of true freedom. I am a bold warrior. I now fight to keep and discover all of those sunbeams in life that make me ME. Hold my hand and I’ll hold yours. We are daughters of a King.
Finding Me
By Abi J.
Since I was a little girl I was always a little rougher around the edges than all the other girls. I played with my girl friends, and fought the boys. Largely because of just how much of a spit-fire I was: "I can do anything the boys can, and I can do it better and faster". I grew up in a large family with six brothers and three sisters. My oldest sister was "the smart one", my second oldest sister was "the kind, sweet one", and my baby sister was "the cute one". So I decided that I obviously didn't fit any of those categories and continued being a hellion.a hellion. My sisters were spit fires too, but they all eventually became more mild and I didn't.
But then the unthinkable happened and puberty hit. My body changed over night. I literally went to bed and woke up the next day with breasts, acne, and the whole package. I was embarrassed of my body. I became afraid of attention, if I remained invisible I thought that people would leave me alone.
Eventually though in high school, I began to see how much fun my friends were having with the boys in school and even found myself wanting that too. I tried and failed multiple times. But a switch had flipped in my brain that made me realize that I was being ignored, that I was invisible.
So I started trying to get into make up and found that what looked great on my friends didn't not work well on me at all, largely because of my fair skin with freckles. I began to detest my skin, I was irritated that I ranged from white to glow in the dark white. While all of my friends came back to school with summer tans, I felt like I was even whiter than the previous year. And every time I tried to tan, I came back with even more freckles. My mom used to tell me that freckles are "angel kisses" and it would piss me off. Tanning lotions, cover up, nothing could seem to make my skin any different.
Plus I was taller than all of the girls and most of the boys. I felt like a giant and believed that boys only liked dating girls shorter than them.
It seemed that I had gotten the short end of the stick when it came to the body types. I was so uncomfortable with my body.
I had been born with broad shoulders, really broad for a girl. Soon I began to discover that I couldn't fit a lot of clothes I liked because I had such big shoulders. I had friends tell me that my shoulders reminded them of football pads. Soon I began to convince myself that everyone could only see my crazy broad shoulders, and tried to hide them with baggy clothes and I wore jackets even when it was hot.
I have an hourglass figure but even this bugged me. Some of the "Sexiest Women in the World" have big breasts and hips, an hourglass figure that accentuates both. I've had women and men come up to me and tell me that I'm "hot" and that I should be grateful for my body shape. And I am grateful, but I've also have had a lot of negative attention for my body shape. It's a battle to find clothes that don't make me feel immodest because it shows my hips and chest, and I don't want to be seen just for my body.
And every type of pants I wore accentuated my hips and butt, and also showed the lovely pouch I had for a stomach. While shirts just didn't fit right and made my broad shoulders stick out even more. I didn't see being curvy as sexy, to me it made me feel like a target for a lot of unwanted harassment from men and a lot of uncalled for jealousy from women.
Then even little things that I had loved about myself took a blow. "My eyes are ugly because they're hazel and not green or blue… My hair is ugly because it's thin and reddish… "
In short, I began to detest all of me.
It began to suffocate me, all of the dieting and hiding my body. I hid behind baggy shirts and even used my hair to shield my face. I began to refer to myself as a shell, because who I am couldn't possibly be this awkward shaped lump. I know this all sounds petty, especially since an hourglass figure is supposedly "picture ideal" for magazines. But I didn't see myself as that. I didn't want to accept that my body, my shoulders, my hair or my face defined me.
It put me into a terrible depression. I got so confused that I finally just lashed out and had my hair chopped. Now, I did do it out of desperation but for me cutting my hair was one of the most liberating moments of my life. I was raised believing that an ideal woman is skinny, long flowing hair, tan skin, etc. But in that moment, I took charge of my own image and made it what I wanted.
However, right after I had done it, everyone around me began questioning my choice for short hair. "Are you sure you like it?"