Aptavani-9
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to sleep and I had a good night sleep. Next morning I put that
‘package’ in the Vishvamitri River and then my worries started to
decrease. But when Gnan manifested, ‘I’ ‘saw-understood’
(joyu) and ‘knew-experienced’ (jaanyu) the entire world as it is.
Questioner: But even before Gnan you had the awareness
that it was the ego, did you not?
Dadashri: Yes, I did have that awareness. I also knew
that it was the ego, but I liked it. But it was when it bothered
me so much that I realized there was no fun in it; it was then
that I realized that the ego was not my friend but rather, my
foe.
Questioner: When did you begin to recognize the ego to
be a foe?
Dadashri: When I could not sleep at night, I realized then
what kind of an ego it was. That is why that night I ‘wrapped
the worries in a package’ and dropped it off in the Vishvamitri
River the next morning. What else could I do?
Questioner: So what did you place in the package?
Dadashri: The entire ego! The heck with it! What good
was it for me? What was it for? I had nothing to gain from it.
People would make comments about me such as, ‘there is no
end to his happiness’ whereas I could not see even a drop of
happiness in me. The ego caused me continued worries and
problems within.
The slightest jolt to the ego and I would be up all night,
unable to sleep. I would not sleep the whole nightlong. Before
when I attended weddings, if someone greeted me but I did not
see them do so, it would create chaos within me. I thought
myself to be so great! And yet there was nothing there. It would
have been different if I had some wealth in estates, but I did not
have anything. I just had pomp without the wealth. That is what
pompous people are like. And the clothes I wore, as if I was