Yes, it ' s a tired old cliché, but here ' s the thing about clichés: They are often rooted in fact. Here ' s the other thing about communication: It ' s a two way dialog. It Is not a“ bashing session”, it is not a lecture, scolding, ultimatum or whine fest. It is often uncomfortable, because a true dialog about what is stressing you out about your spouse means listening to what stresses them out about you and accepting it. Here ' s an interesting fact: Most marriage counselors will tell you this( in fact, many will tell you this before they hear you speak at all): No marriage exists where all the problems are caused by one individual. None. Nada. Not one. No exceptions. For many, this is not only uncomfortable, but difficult to accept as true. I know this, because I was one of those people who thought I was“ doing it all right” and all the sources of problems were not coming from me. I. Was. Wrong. Until you accept this, basically, that you are not perfect, the stress in your marriage will not go away. In fact, if you are thinking, right now, that this is wrong, that your spouse is the single, sole cause of all the issues in your marriage, you should stop reading right now: You have not reached the stage of personal development where you are capable of having a truly equal marriage. So here ' s the thing: There is a reason for each of your spouses annoying behaviors. To be perfectly fair, some of those reasons may be silly, some of them may be petty and some of them may be selfish. Of course, some of them may also be very, very valid, as well, but you ' re not going to learn those unless you communicate with your“ other half”. Very often, that“ reason” they are not doing something that you would like them to do is – surprise! The same reason you do not do things they would like you to do. Imagine that: Men and women, more equal than not! Of course, this often leads to revealing that the couple is engaged in a very bad habit: The tally system.
The tally system is quite simple: Most of us with siblings did this as children:“ Well, I did X and Y and she only did Z, therefore, I don ' t have to do anything else until she does!”- What ' s surprising to most is that the partner feels the identical way. Here ' s the secret: There can be no tally system in a marriage. There will be days where the wife does more than the husband. There will be days where the husband does more than the wife. There will even be weeks where both of these are true. However: You can ' t“ add up your tally” on a weekly or even monthly basis: You have to look at it over the course of the entire marriage: Yep, I ' m talking 50, 60 or even more years. You can not, however, look at this“ overall tally” with only your eyes: As mentioned above, the chances are extremely good that if you are the one feeling you do more, your spouse feels the same way. Here ' s the shocker: When you actually sit down and have the conversation about what each person feels they contribute, not only might you find it surprising that they feel they contribute a lot, but that they are correct. So, how do you go about having this“ communication” thing?
First, you have to use truth. No“ beating around the bush”, no roundabout ways of getting to the point, no subtleties, just the plain, unvarnished truth.( Mind you, this is not a license to be rude or unfeeling, either!) Often, it can be started something like this:
“ Honey, we ' ve been going around in circles, getting on each others ' backs and getting angry and annoyed at each other more often than we are happy with each other. We need to get back on a level playing field. Can we sit down this Friday evening, after the kids are in bed and have a frank discussion with each other?” How you ask is just as important as asking, itself: You don ' t want to“ ambush” your partner, so asking to have the discussion“ right now” isn ' t fair – In other words, you ' ve had time to think about it, yet the idea is new to them. The tone is important, too: It is vitally important to emphasize that you feel that you both have issues that need correcting, not just that you feel they are the ones that need to change( If you really do feel they are the only ones that need to change, the chance is near 100 % that you are incorrect) – Finally, set a time when you are least likely to be interrupted by kids, life, or the need to get up early the next morning. Obviously, with an Angel in the house, this is never a guarantee, but you can pick a“ most likely” time. When you do sit down with them – or even when they ask you right away what this is all about, start off with what you know has been annoying them about you. This is important, because you will be showing a willingness right up front that this isn ' t about criticizing only them and that you realize that you are just as much a part of the issue – and the solution.
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