AVOIDING
STRESS
A SECRET TO AVOID STRESS , FRUSTRATION AND MELTDOWN
BY : SHAWN HUNTER , ENTREPRENEUR AND AUTHOR OF OUT • THINK , MINDSCALING . COM
24
SOMEONE IN a big SUV , talking on the phone , oblivious to everyone around them , just cut you off . How do you feel ? Just today , in a meeting , your boss contradicted you , again . How do you feel ? That imbecile over in product management just got the promotion you wanted . How about now ? The plane has just landed , and already , the guy behind you is talking loudly on the phone while you taxi to the gate . Now , how do you feel ?
The world is uncertain . People are irrational . Traffic happens . Cell phone batteries sometimes die . Here ’ s an idea : When we get annoyed , frustrated , angry and miserable over events and circumstances in our lives , we are also being unfair to ourselves . By berating ourselves , we are being unethical and unjust to ourselves . And when we make ourselves miserable , we make the people around us miserable . Instead , be kind to yourself , and find the kindness in others .
It wasn ’ t the traffic , it was our reaction to the traffic . It wasn ’ t losing that big contract that made us dejected . Our expectation made us feel dejected and miserable .
Albert Ellis is regarded as one of the most influential psychologists of the 20th century . One of his signature ideas is called Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy ( REBT ), which has been used to effectively change the attitudes and behaviors of millions of people .
The promise of REBT is this : no matter how badly you sometimes think about yourself , and no matter how horrible others sometimes treat you , and no matter how awful our circumstances are … we always have the power to change our feelings of hostility , despair or stress . Always .
Dr . Ellis doesn ’ t go all zen meditative to the extent that he suggests you deny all of your feelings and emotions and view the world utterly impassively , like a robot . Not at all . REBT recognizes that caution , concern or suspicion are normal emotions which are useful for making decisions . Yet allowing those emotions to turn into outright panic , dread or despair is not useful . It ’ s worse . It ’ s self-destructive .
Here ’ s a short version of how it works . First , imagine an unfortunate event occurring in your life . Let ’ s say , you break your leg badly and have to be in a wheelchair , and work through physical therapy for months . How do you think about this hypothetical circumstance ?
Healthy concern or annoyance self-talk might sound like , “ Wow . What a bummer . I guess my weekly basketball game is on hold , but I can do many enjoyable and new things over the next few months .” Or “ This sucks and is going to take some work , but I ’ ll have a little more time to work on my other projects .”
The difference is that little “ but ” inserted where we add the positives and hopeful outcomes . A healthy reaction acknowledges circumstances and adjusts to anticipate optimistic outcomes and choices .
Next , look for should , must and ought , in our self-talk . When we think , “ My boss must never speak to me that way !” or “ I should get that promotion . I deserve it !”, we are extending our own wishes and preferences to the behavior of others . And we can ’ t control the behavior of others . We can only control how we react and feel in the face of circumstances .
Should , must and ought are absolute and rigid values . As Dr . Ellis writes :
“ When you insist , however , that you always must have or do something , you often think in this way : ' Because I would very much like or prefer to have success , approval or pleasure , I absolutely , under practically all conditions , must have it .
And if I don ’ t get it , as I completely must , it ’ s awful , I can ’ t stand it , I am an inferior person for not arranging to get it , and the world is a horrible place for not giving me what I must have ! I am sure that I ’ ll never get it , and therefore can ’ t be happy at all !'"
– Albert Ellis , Ph . D ., from How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything . Yes , Anything !
When we think in these rigid ways we become anxious and self-pitying . Try instead Dr . Ellis ’ prescription of self-talk that goes like this : “ I would very much like or prefer to have success , approval or comfort , but I don ’ t have to have it . I won ’ t die without it . And I could be happy ( though not as happy ) without it .”
The kinds of thoughts that create anxiety are those that demand success or approval , such as , “ I must impress everyone at the meeting because I ’ m smart ” or , “ This deal will propel me to the top of my team , so I have to win it !”
The advice is this : Turn should , must , ought to and have to statements into preferences instead of demands . Accept what is going on ( WIGO ) around you without feeling the need to control people and circumstances .