Vanessa Van Edwards is lead investigator at the Science of People — a human behavior research lab . She is the national bestselling author of Captivate : The Science of Succeeding With People , which was chosen as one of Apple ’ s Most Anticipated Books of 2017 . She writes a monthly column on the science of success for Entrepreneur Magazine and the Huffington Post . Scienceofpeople . com
You should use this if :
• You worry that they will not accept a break
• They will not be honest if you have The Talk
• They are bad with boundaries
• You hate confrontation
This method is less direct — so it ’ s not my favorite , BUT it can help gently end a relationship or avoid hurting someone ’ s feelings . The slow back away is usually done by just being " too busy " and " too hard to reach ." I hate writing this , but the goal here is to have a gentle easing in the relationship . You want them to slowly get the message that you want a different kind of relationship . You don ’ t want to hurt their feelings . You want them to save face .
RECOMMENDATIONS :
• Text instead of call
• Engage less on social media
• Take longer to respond to texts
• Respond with shorter texts
• Get together in less intimate settings
• Get together for shorter , more casual occasions
• Be too busy to get together
** Again , this is my least favorite because it feels the least honest . But sometimes it is the nicest way to break up with someone .
OPTION # 4 : THE BURST
There comes a point in some unhealthy , unfulfilling relationships where the friendship bubble needs bursting . The lies . The faking it . The pretending everything is fine . It needs to stop . I believe friendship breakups should be treated EXACTLY like a romantic breakup . Something like :
Hey , I know we have had trouble getting together over the last few months . I think that is mostly my fault . I have been pulling away . I think last year when X happened , it really hurt my feelings . I have not been able to get over it . I know you are a great person and have been a wonderful friend , but I think our relationship has changed . I do not think we can salvage it with so much that has gone on . I am sorry .
RECOMMENDATIONS :
• State needs that are not being met
• Be gentle and kind
• Talk about how you feel
• Don ’ t assign blame
• Don ’ t make excuses
This is incredibly hard . I know it . But I think that if you feel you have to end a relationship , you have to clear the way . When we say no to relationships that don ’ t serve us , we make room for relationships that do .
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