{
LET ME explain a people puzzle that has always perplexed me:
It’s OK to date. It’s OK to define a romantic relationship. It’s OK to
re-evaluate a partnership. It’s OK to breakup. It’s hard in romantic
relationships, but it is OK — if not essential to be able to date
around and then break up when it doesn’t work out.
Why is this not OK with friendships? Why can’t I date friends? Why
do I feel so bad wanting to re-evaluate friendships? Why do I feel
silly trying to label some friends as ‘best’ friends?
WHY DO I FEEL SO, SO, SO BAD BREAKING UP WITH
FRIENDS?
In romantic relationships we have breakups all the time — it is
considered an important part of finding the right partner. But could
you imagine saying to a new friend:
You owe it to your friendship to put it all out on the table. The entire
goal of The Talk is to bring everything to the surface:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Hidden resentments
Miscommunications
Old fights
Jealousy
Misunderstandings
Boundaries
RECOMMENDATIONS:
• I recommend doing this in person — do not initiate over text or
chat! Everything is better, clearer and easier in person.
• Go with a goal in mind — do you want to clear something up?
Do you want to address something? What would your ideal
outcome be?
“Um yeah. It’s been great seeing each other. But I just don’t think we
are meant to be. I want to friend breakup. It’s not you, it’s me.”
No way. I can’t imagine it. But here’s the thing: Sometimes we
have to breakup with friends. Stomp out toxic relationships. See if
you have one of these before moving on: This is one of the hardest
articles I have EVER written. Partially because it is personal to me… OPTION #2: THE BREAK
I have been broken up with by a best friend and it broke my heart. I
recently had to break up with a friend and it felt like death. It is very
rarely talked about. •
•
•
•
OK, so here I am going to try to make the best of this bad situation.
Here’s how you know you need to break up with a friend…
I think friendships sometimes need breaks. Especially if you just had
a very difficult talk, you might need some time away. Breaks can
serve to:
Give you a fresh perspective
Calm down
Miss each other
Re-evaluate
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU NEED A BREAK UP: Here’s the nice thing about breaks — you can take them for
whatever reason you are most comfortable with:
There are warning signs that a friendship needs to end. Here they
are: It’s Me: You can say that you are really busy and need time.
•
•
•
•
•
You dread seeing them
You feel they undermine you more than support you
There is deception in the relationship — they lie to you
There is self-deception in the relationship — one of you is lying
to yourself
You have grown apart and the relationship is dragging on like a
slowly dying animal
It’s You: If you feel hurt by your friend’s actions, if you feel there
has been jealousy or undermining — you can say you need time to
recover.
It’s Us: Especially after a hard talk, you can tell a friend that you
need some distance for both of you to re-evaluate.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
• I do recommend adding a time component to your break.
This will help if you have someone who is not good with
boundaries. It will also give you time to re-evaluate without
wondering if you should text or contact. Just like a romantic
relationship, defined space can let you take a step back.
• The terms of your break can be flexible or rigid. You can say,
let’s talk again in two weeks. You can say, let’s see how we feel
and check in when we feel we are ready.
Any of these feel familiar? Keep reading.
OPTION #1: THE TALK
You know how in romantic relationships you have “The Talk?”
That Talk is the pinnacle of nerves, awkwardness and sometimes
resolution. The Talk usually has a number of goals:
•
•
•
•
To clarify boundaries
To define a relationship
To see where each person stands
To talk about a future
Here’s the great thing about having “The Talk” with friends — it
can initiate a breakup talk, it can prepare someone for an imminent
breakup or it can resolve having to break up at all.
10
OPTION #3: THE SLOW BACK AWAY
Let’s say you are in a one-sided friendship or you are friends with
someone who is not good with boundaries. Then you might not be
able to have the talk or an official break. In this way, you can try the
slow back away.