ALLURE MEDICAL - all•u Magazine all·u Magazine Fall 2017 | Page 18

In retrospect, I’m sure he was relieved! Except for the part where I explained what a jerk he was for not thanking me profusely. As you can imagine, that didn’t exactly make him feel lovey-dovey toward me. These days I stay out of that kind of trouble by minding my own business in the first place. That saves me from having lots of completely unnecessary resentment. If nobody asks me for help, then that means they don’t need or want help. If they did, they would tell me. Even if they’re hinting about it, I don’t have to read anything into that, and I typically don’t. That’s because I trust that other people are the experts on their own lives and can speak for themselves when they want something from me. That includes my husband. home when he was out with a friend, or working too hard to pay all the bills that I feared he couldn’t handle. These days I’m pretty good at asking myself if I’m going to be resentful before I do something, and that serves me very well. If anyone asks me to do something that will leave me overwrought, depleted, or bent out of shape, I respond with this magical phrase: “I can’t.” Being brave enough to disappoint my husband at times is worthwhile because it helps me keep my dignity, stay pleasant most of the time and avoid a blowup. It bears repeating: If I go past my limits and my husband happens to be in the vicinity when I decide to overdraw my energy account, getting angry at him won’t somehow restore my self-respect. I listen and even sympathize at times, but I stay away from putting myself in charge of solving my husband’s problems unless he asks directly, and sometimes even then I use a magical phrase to stay out of trouble. At all. What is that phrase, you wonder? Glad you asked… This one just isn’t my experience— not the way I used boundaries or the way I see other women using them, which is as a way to try to control someone else. 3. YOU SHOULDN’T LET YOUR BOUNDARIES GET CROSSED If you think of your own limits as a mere mortal woman (instead of gun turrets), and if you think of acknowledging those limits before you’ve exceeded them—not after— then this one is actually true. In the old days, deciding that my husband had crossed my boundaries was license to rip into him. But in retrospect, there could be only one person truly responsible when I was overwrought, depleted, or otherwise bent out of shape because my limits had been violated: me. I’m the one who sold myself down the river by staying up too late to take him to the airport, or getting too lonely because I was waiting for him to come 18 FALL 2017 But acknowledging my limits to myself up front has been a lifesaver and a marriage saver. 4. BOUNDARIES MAKE OTHERS STRAIGHTEN UP These days I don’t feel at all tempted to make threats or ultimatums because my husband is inspired to make me happy. All I have to do is be my best self (the me I always wanted to be anyway), and my husband responds to me better. 5. BOUNDARIES ARE NON-NEGOTIABLE. Boundaries often end up being things like “I’m letting you know right now I’m never going to your brother’s house again” or “Next time you need a ride to the airport, don’t ask me.” But those kinds of announcements— the kind that are from now on and forever—are just sideways forms of saying “I hate you right now.” They may feel good in the moment, but they leave little room for the possibility that you’ll feel differently about something in the future. They certainly aren’t conducive to intimacy, as they tend to leave a cold frost in the room. I notice that my relationship requires ongoing negotiations, and there are very few things that I can decide about now and forever. Instead, I prefer to check with myself in each moment and decide if I’ll go to his brother’s house or drive him to the airport. That’s because boundaries are secretly ultimatums or threats. It’s human nature to rebel against an ultimatum or a threat. Maybe I will, or maybe I can’t do that and still be my best self—the calm, self-possessed one. Not the angry and resentful one. Being threatened brings out the “I’ll show you!” in all of us. Either way, I know I’ll be able to honor myself as that situation arises. And I won’t need a strong military to do it. I remember thinking that if I made threats it would make my husband realize just how thoughtless he was being and reconsider his actions, but that never ever worked, not even one little bit. It didn’t protect me from suffering what I felt was his bad behavior. Me putting him on notice just gave us wall-to-wall hostility. It’s true that we’re always teaching people how to treat us. Setting boundaries never got me the tender, playful, passionate treatment I have now. But focusing on and honoring my own feelings and desires have helped give me everything I wanted when I thought I needed all that defense.