ANOTHER COMMON POTHOLE I USED
TO FALL INTO A LOT WAS TAKING ON MY HUSBAND’ S PROBLEMS AS MY OWN, INSTEAD OF TRUSTING HIM TO FIGURE
THINGS OUT HIMSELF( AS HE HAD FOR 32
YEARS BEFORE I MET HIM).
YOU HAVE to set boundaries in relationships.
Everyone knows that. But what if you don’ t?
Since boundaries are places at the edge of countries where soldiers with guns stand to defend their territory, you’ ve gotta ask yourself: Do I really want those in my marriage?
I know I don’ t.
Barbed wire and gun turrets don’ t do much for intimacy.
You might be thinking,“ That’ s a different kind of boundary,” but in my early marriage there wasn’ t much difference. I meet lots of other women who are as confused as I was.
They say,“ I set a boundary. I let him know it’ s not okay to stay out late drinking with his friends and leave me at home alone with the kids.”
Or,“ I told him he had to end his friendship with that woman at work because that was violating my boundary.”
Or, as I used to say,“ I don’ t appreciate being spoken to that way and I won’ t accept you violating my boundary.”
Of course, I want to honor myself. I want to say how I’ m feeling and what I want. I want to feel important and desired.
I want to be treated well.
Today I have all that in my marriage. But setting boundaries never helped me get there.
1. BOUNDARIES MAKE RELATIONSHIPS BETTER
In the bad old days when I was setting a boundary, it came out of feeling angry( or if I’ m more honest, I was actually hurt) and therefore, by the time I got around to speaking my truth, it came out laced with sarcasm, criticism, and resentment.
For example, if I said,“ I don’ t appreciate being spoken to that way and I won’ t accept you violating my
“
ANOTHER COMMON POTHOLE I USED
boundary,” that included a pretty loud subtext that he was a jerk and he had just ticked me right off.
I was a big, fat hypocrite who was criticizing him for being critical and blaming him for blaming me.
That pretty much guaranteed that I wasn’ t going to get a good response, like an apology or a hug, because that’ s not how human beings are made.
Even if you’ re married to a Congressional Medal of Honor recipient, I promise he would rather run into enemy fire than try to hug you when you’ re on the warpath.
When I feel criticized I get defensive, and that’ s true no matter how right the other person is. It stands to reason that my husband reacts the same way.
Criticism has never improved our relationship. Not a single time.
Therefore, to teach someone else how to treat me and still preserve the intimacy I value so much, I speak only for myself and avoid criticizing him.
I say what I mean, but I don’ t say it mean.
TO FALL INTO A LOT WAS TAKING ON MY HUSBAND’ S PROBLEMS AS MY OWN, INSTEAD OF TRUSTING HIM TO FIGURE
THINGS OUT HIMSELF( AS HE HAD FOR 32
One way to do that in this example would be simply to say“ Ouch!”
YEARS BEFORE I MET HIM).
and nothing more. I’ m honoring myself by admitting I’ m hurt but not criticizing or blaming my husband.
It takes some getting used to, but the response is so much better than I ever got from“ setting a boundary.”
2. BOUNDARIES ARE A WAY TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
Another common pothole I used to fall into a lot was taking on my husband’ s problems as my own, instead of trusting him to figure things out himself( as he had for 32 years before I met him).
This resulted in me applying myself to things that were not my concern or my area of expertise, even though they exhausted and stressed me out.
For example, I took it upon myself to help him find a better job, which meant I appointed myself his career counselor, redid his resume and( you’ re welcome!) found job leads for him.
When he didn’ t appreciate any of that, I was upset!
“
I set a boundary by saying,“ Well you can just do all of this by yourself without my help then because you don’ t appreciate anything I do.”
2017 FALL 17