ALLURE MEDICAL - all•u Magazine all·u Magazine Fall 2017 | Page 18

In retrospect, I’m sure he was
relieved! Except for the part where
I explained what a jerk he was
for not thanking me profusely.
As you can imagine, that didn’t exactly
make him feel lovey-dovey toward me.
These days I stay out of that kind
of trouble by minding my own
business in the first place. That saves
me from having lots of completely
unnecessary resentment.
If nobody asks me for help, then that
means they don’t need or want help.
If they did, they would tell me.
Even if they’re hinting about it, I
don’t have to read anything into
that, and I typically don’t.
That’s because I trust that other
people are the experts on their own
lives and can speak for themselves
when they want something from
me. That includes my husband.
home when he was out with a friend,
or working too hard to pay all the
bills that I feared he couldn’t handle.
These days I’m pretty good at
asking myself if I’m going to be
resentful before I do something,
and that serves me very well.
If anyone asks me to do something that
will leave me overwrought, depleted,
or bent out of shape, I respond with
this magical phrase: “I can’t.”
Being brave enough to disappoint
my husband at times is worthwhile
because it helps me keep my
dignity, stay pleasant most of
the time and avoid a blowup.
It bears repeating: If I go past my
limits and my husband happens to
be in the vicinity when I decide
to overdraw my energy account,
getting angry at him won’t somehow
restore my self-respect.
I listen and even sympathize at times,
but I stay away from putting myself
in charge of solving my husband’s
problems unless he asks directly,
and sometimes even then I use a
magical phrase to stay out of trouble. At all.
What is that phrase, you
wonder? Glad you asked… This one just isn’t my experience—
not the way I used boundaries
or the way I see other women
using them, which is as a way to
try to control someone else.
3. YOU SHOULDN’T LET YOUR
BOUNDARIES GET CROSSED
If you think of your own limits as
a mere mortal woman (instead of
gun turrets), and if you think of
acknowledging those limits before
you’ve exceeded them—not after—
then this one is actually true.
In the old days, deciding that my
husband had crossed my boundaries
was license to rip into him.
But in retrospect, there could be only
one person truly responsible when
I was overwrought, depleted, or
otherwise bent out of shape because
my limits had been violated: me.
I’m the one who sold myself down the
river by staying up too late to take him
to the airport, or getting too lonely
because I was waiting for him to come
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FALL 2017
But acknowledging my limits
to myself up front has been a
lifesaver and a marriage saver.
4. BOUNDARIES MAKE
OTHERS STRAIGHTEN UP
These days I don’t feel at all
tempted to make threats or
ultimatums because my husband
is inspired to make me happy.
All I have to do is be my best self (the
me I always wanted to be anyway), and
my husband responds to me better.
5. BOUNDARIES ARE
NON-NEGOTIABLE.
Boundaries often end up being things
like “I’m letting you know right now
I’m never going to your brother’s
house again” or “Next time you need
a ride to the airport, don’t ask me.”
But those kinds of announcements—
the kind that are from now on and
forever—are just sideways forms
of saying “I hate you right now.”
They may feel good in the moment,
but they leave little room for the
possibility that you’ll feel differently
about something in the future.
They certainly aren’t conducive
to intimacy, as they tend to leave
a cold frost in the room.
I notice that my relationship
requires ongoing negotiations, and
there are very few things that I can
decide about now and forever.
Instead, I prefer to check with
myself in each moment and decide
if I’ll go to his brother’s house
or drive him to the airport.
That’s because boundaries are
secretly ultimatums or threats.
It’s human nature to rebel against
an ultimatum or a threat. Maybe I will, or maybe I can’t do
that and still be my best self—the
calm, self-possessed one. Not
the angry and resentful one.
Being threatened brings out the
“I’ll show you!” in all of us. Either way, I know I’ll be able
to honor myself as that situation
arises. And I won’t need a
strong military to do it.
I remember thinking that if I made
threats it would make my husband
realize just how thoughtless
he was being and reconsider
his actions, but that never ever
worked, not even one little bit.
It didn’t protect me from suffering
what I felt was his bad behavior.
Me putting him on notice just
gave us wall-to-wall hostility.
It’s true that we’re always teaching
people how to treat us.
Setting boundaries never got me
the tender, playful, passionate
treatment I have now. But focusing
on and honoring my own feelings
and desires have helped give me
everything I wanted when I thought
I needed all that defense.