ANOTHER COMMON POTHOLE I USED
TO FALL INTO A LOT WAS TAKING ON MY HUSBAND ’ S PROBLEMS AS MY OWN , INSTEAD OF TRUSTING HIM TO FIGURE
THINGS OUT HIMSELF ( AS HE HAD FOR 32
YEARS BEFORE I MET HIM ).
YOU HAVE to set boundaries in relationships .
Everyone knows that . But what if you don ’ t ?
Since boundaries are places at the edge of countries where soldiers with guns stand to defend their territory , you ’ ve gotta ask yourself : Do I really want those in my marriage ?
I know I don ’ t .
Barbed wire and gun turrets don ’ t do much for intimacy .
You might be thinking , “ That ’ s a different kind of boundary ,” but in my early marriage there wasn ’ t much difference . I meet lots of other women who are as confused as I was .
They say , “ I set a boundary . I let him know it ’ s not okay to stay out late drinking with his friends and leave me at home alone with the kids .”
Or , “ I told him he had to end his friendship with that woman at work because that was violating my boundary .”
Or , as I used to say , “ I don ’ t appreciate being spoken to that way and I won ’ t accept you violating my boundary .”
Of course , I want to honor myself . I want to say how I ’ m feeling and what I want . I want to feel important and desired .
I want to be treated well .
Today I have all that in my marriage . But setting boundaries never helped me get there .
1 . BOUNDARIES MAKE RELATIONSHIPS BETTER
In the bad old days when I was setting a boundary , it came out of feeling angry ( or if I ’ m more honest , I was actually hurt ) and therefore , by the time I got around to speaking my truth , it came out laced with sarcasm , criticism , and resentment .
For example , if I said , “ I don ’ t appreciate being spoken to that way and I won ’ t accept you violating my
“
ANOTHER COMMON POTHOLE I USED
boundary ,” that included a pretty loud subtext that he was a jerk and he had just ticked me right off .
I was a big , fat hypocrite who was criticizing him for being critical and blaming him for blaming me .
That pretty much guaranteed that I wasn ’ t going to get a good response , like an apology or a hug , because that ’ s not how human beings are made .
Even if you ’ re married to a Congressional Medal of Honor recipient , I promise he would rather run into enemy fire than try to hug you when you ’ re on the warpath .
When I feel criticized I get defensive , and that ’ s true no matter how right the other person is . It stands to reason that my husband reacts the same way .
Criticism has never improved our relationship . Not a single time .
Therefore , to teach someone else how to treat me and still preserve the intimacy I value so much , I speak only for myself and avoid criticizing him .
I say what I mean , but I don ’ t say it mean .
TO FALL INTO A LOT WAS TAKING ON MY HUSBAND ’ S PROBLEMS AS MY OWN , INSTEAD OF TRUSTING HIM TO FIGURE
THINGS OUT HIMSELF ( AS HE HAD FOR 32
One way to do that in this example would be simply to say “ Ouch !”
YEARS BEFORE I MET HIM ).
and nothing more . I ’ m honoring myself by admitting I ’ m hurt but not criticizing or blaming my husband .
It takes some getting used to , but the response is so much better than I ever got from “ setting a boundary .”
2 . BOUNDARIES ARE A WAY TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
Another common pothole I used to fall into a lot was taking on my husband ’ s problems as my own , instead of trusting him to figure things out himself ( as he had for 32 years before I met him ).
This resulted in me applying myself to things that were not my concern or my area of expertise , even though they exhausted and stressed me out .
For example , I took it upon myself to help him find a better job , which meant I appointed myself his career counselor , redid his resume and ( you ’ re welcome !) found job leads for him .
When he didn ’ t appreciate any of that , I was upset !
“
I set a boundary by saying , “ Well you can just do all of this by yourself without my help then because you don ’ t appreciate anything I do .”
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