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7 STEPS TO A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
By Lori Beschene/tinybuddha.com
Though Valentine’s Day was in February, this is not a post about romance. It’s about any relationship—with your brother, your mother, your coworker, or
your friend.
And I admit I am not an expert.
I’ve made a million and one mistakes in relationships. I’ve expected too much. Or not asked for what I needed in fear of rocking the boat. I’ve been competitive. I’ve been suspicious. I’ve been dependent. I’d like to think what redeems me from all these mistakes is that I’ve also been honest.
Being self aware, in my opinion, is far more valuable than being perfect—mostly because the former is attainable and helpful, while the latter is neither.
Relationships are not easy. They mirror everything we feel about ourselves. When you’ve had a bad day, the people around you seem difficult. When you’re not happy
with yourself, your relationships seem to be lacking.
If you’ve ever gotten in a fight only to find yourself wondering what you were really upset about, this post may help you. If you’ve ever been disappointed because someone didn’t meet your expectations, this post may help you, too. Feel walked on and unheard? You guessed it—there’s likely something in here that will help you change
that.
We don’t live in a vacuum. We have thoughts and feelings that can be confusing. Other people do too. And just like in the movie Crash, they don’t always collide smoothly.
When I apply these ideas, I feel confident, strong, compassionate, and peaceful in my interactions. I hope they can do the same for you.
Next time you feel the need to blame someone for
1. Do what you need to do for you.
your feelings—something they did or should have
Everyone has personal needs, whether it’s going to the done—ask yourself if there’s something else going on.
gym after work or taking some alone time on Saturday You may find there’s something underlying: somemorning. If someone asks you to do something and
thing you did or should have done for you. Take re-
your instinct is to honor you own need, do that. I’m
sponsibility for the problem and you have power to
not saying you can’t make sacrifices sometimes, but
create a solution.
When I’m not sure if I need to bring something up, I ask
myself these few questions:
Does this happen often and leave me feeling bad?
Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?
Can I empathize with their feelings instead of dwelling
on my insecurity?
it’s important to make a habit of taking care of yourself.
Someone once told me people are like glasses of wa-
6. Confront compassionately and clearly.
4. Be mindful of projecting.
When you attack someone, their natural instinct is
ter. If we don’t do what we have to do to keep our
In psychology, projecting refers to denying your own
to get defensive, which gets you nowhere. You end
glass full, we’ll need to take it from someone else—
traits and then ascribing them to the outside world or
up having a loud conversation where two people do
which leaves them half full. Fill your own glass so you
other people. For example, if you’re not a loyal and
their best to prove they’re right and the other one is
can feel whole and complete in your relationships.
trusting friend, you may assume your friends are all
wrong. It’s rarely that black and white. It’s more like-
out to get you. It’s a defense mechanism that allows
ly you both have points, but you’re both too stub-
you to avoid the discomfort of acknowledging your
born to meet in the middle.
weaknesses. There’s no faster way to put a rift in your
If you approach someone with compassion, you will
relationships.
open their hearts and minds. Show them you under-
It’s tempting to doubt people—to assume your boy-
This comes back to down to self awareness, and it’s
stand where they’re coming from, and they’ll be
friend meant to hurt you by not inviting you out with
hard work. Ackno ݱ