A Way Out Addiction Treatment Center Newsletter #3 03/2013 | Page 16

If you already have low self-esteem or have issues around shame (most people do), it may be difficult to concentrate on
what it is you feel guilty about. However, this is necessary in order to get past it. Rationalizing or brushing it under the
rug to avoid self-examination may help temporarily, but will not achieve self-forgiveness. Alternatively, beating yourself
up prolongs guilt and shame and damages your self-esteem; accepting responsibility and taking remedial action
improves it. Here are suggested steps you can take.
I refer to actions, but they apply equally to thoughts or feelings you feel guilty about:
1. If you‘ve been rationalizing your actions, take responsibility. ?Okay, I did (or said) it.?
2. Write a story about what happened, including how you felt about yourself and others involved before, during,
and after.
3. Analyze what your needs were at that time, and whether they were being met. If not, why not?
4. What were your motives? What or who was the catalyst for your behavior?
5. Does the catalyst remind you of something from your past? Write a story about it, and include dialogue and your
feelings.
6. How were your feelings and mistakes handled growing up? Were they forgiven, judged, or punished? Who was
hard on you? Were you made to feel ashamed?
7. Evaluate the standards by which you‘re judging yourself. Are they your values, your parents‘, your friends‘, your
spouse‘s, or those of your faith? Do you need their approval? It‘s pointless to try to live up to someone
else‘s expectations. Others‘ desires and values have more to do with them. They may never approve, or you
may sacrifice yourself and your happiness seeking approval.
8. Identify the values and beliefs that in fact governed you during the event? For example, ?Adultery is okay if my
spouse never finds out.? Be honest, and decide which values you agree with.
9. Did your actions reflect your true values? If not, trace your beliefs, thoughts, and emotions that led to your
actions. Think about what may have led you to abandon your values. Notice that you hurt yourself when you
violate your values. This actually causes more harm than disappointing someone else.
10. How did your actions affect you and others? Whom did you hurt? Include yourself on the list.
11. Think of ways to make amends. Take the action, and make them. For example, if the person is dead, you can
write a letter of apology. You can also decide to act differently in the future.
12. Looking back, what healthier beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and actions would have led to a more desirable result?

SOME FUN & FOOD FOR THOUGHT

13. Do you expect perfection? Has this improved your overall well-being? Perfection is illusory and a manifestation
of underlying shame.
14. Would you forgive someone else for the same actions? Why would you treat yourself differently? How does it
benefit you to continue to punish yourself?
15. Remorse is healthy and leads to corrective action. Think about what you‘ve learned from your experience and
how you might act differently today.
16. Write yourself an empathic letter of understanding, appreciation, and forgiveness.
17. Repeat on a daily basis words of kindness and forgiveness from your letter, such as, ?I‘m innocent,? ?I forgive
myself,? and ?I love myself.?

18.
18.

Share honestly with others what you did. Don‘t share with those who might judge you. If appropriate, talk about
what happened in a 12-Step group. Secrecy prolongs guilt and shame.