A Way Out Addiction Treatment Center Newsletter #3 03/2013 | Page 15

How Do You Forgive Yourself?
Guilt is good. Yes! Guilt actually encourages people
to have more empathy for others, to take corrective
action, and to improve themselves. Self-forgiveness
following guilt is self-essential to esteem, which is
key to enjoying life and relationships. Yet, for many,
self-acceptance remains elusive because of
unhealthy guilt.
Guilt may be an unrelenting source of pain. You
might believe that you should feel guilty and
condemn yourself not once, but repeatedly. Guilt
also may simmer in your unconscious. Either way,
this kind of guilt is insidious and self-destructive and
can sabotage your goals.
Guilt causes anger and resentment, not only at
yourself, but toward others in order to justify your
actions. Anger, resentment, and guilt sap your
energy, cause depression and illness, and prevent
success, pleasure, and fulfilling relationships. They
keep you stuck in the past and prevent you from
moving forward.
You may feel guilty not only for your actions, but
also for your thoughts — for wishing someone pain,
misfortune, or even death; for feelings such as
anger, lust, or greed; for lack of feelings, such as
unreciprocal love or friendship, or for not grieving
the loss of someone close. Although irrational, you
might feel guilty for someone else‘s thoughts,
attributes, feelings, and actions. It‘s not unusual for
people to feel guilty for leaving their faith or not
meeting their parents‘ expectations.
People often judge themselves based upon the
blame or false accusations emanating from others,
which they believe to be true. For example, a
woman projects her selfishness onto her husband.
He believes it, not realizing it is she who is selfish
(an attribute). She might blame her insecurity
(feeling) on him, claiming he‘s flirting, uncaring, or
indifferent. A man might blame his anger (feeling) or
mistake (action) on his partner, and she believes
him and feels guilty.

People often judge themselves based upon the blame
or false accusations emanating from others, which
they believe to be true. For example, a woman projects
her selfishness onto her husband. He believes it, not
realizing it is she who is selfish (an attribute). She
might blame her insecurity (feeling) on him, claiming
he‘s flirting, uncaring, or indifferent. A man might
blame his anger (feeling) or mistake (action) on his
partner, and she believes him and feels guilty.
Because of their low self-esteem, it‘s common for
codependents to take the blame for others‘ behavior. A
spouse might accept her husb and‘s blame and feel
guilty for his drinking or addiction. Victims of abuse or
sexual assault frequently feel guilt and shame, despite
the fact that they were victims and it‘s the perpetrator
who is culpable. When it comes to divorce, those
initiating it often feel guilty, even though responsibility
for their marital problem is shared or was primarily due
to their partner.
Guilt should be distinguished from shame. Shame
causes you to feel inferior, inadequate, or bad about
who you are versus what you did. When irrational and
not absolved, guilt can lead to shame. Shame isn‘t
constructive. Instead of enhancing empathy and selfimprovement, it has the opposite effect. It leads to
greater self-preoccupation and undermines both the
self and relationships.