The Squirrel Quarrel
the journal of literature and the arts at saint david’ s school
The Squirrel Quarrel
The mystery of the black eye and the eight stitches could not be explained by a bar fight, a historic rescue, or a high-stakes mountain climbing accident. It was something much more local and much more humiliating. It was the Great Squirrel Siege of 5:00 p. m.
Mr. Ryan, a man who usually commands the classroom like an orator and watches his class like a hawk, had finally met his match. His opponent was not a rival scholar or a difficult passage; it was a squirrel with a grudge. The incident began when Mr. Ryan noticed the squirrel had somehow opened the kitchen window and started to climb in, looking for walnuts.
The chain of events that followed was a masterclass in the attack tragedy. Instead of calling animal control, Mr. Ryan decided on his own tactical response involving a tennis racket and an empty plastic laundry basket. He attempted the classic, low-profile maneuver to corner the intruder that had now entered his pantry. However, the squirrel, which had the eyes of“ Prime Alexander the Great” did not retreat. It performed a wall-run of the kitchen island, used Mr. Ryan’ s shoulder as a trampoline, and launched itself towards the ceiling fan.
Startled by the fuzzy blur, Mr. Ryan pivoted too quickly and accidentally slipped on a stray puddle of oat milk. As he began a slow-motion descent, his forehead met the corner of the open dishwasher door, striking it with the precision of a missile. Continuing to fall, he grabbed the kitchen curtain for stability, bringing the whole thing down, along with a water bottle, which struck him directly in the eye.
As Mr. Ryan lay on the marble floor, covered by the fallen curtain and soaking in leftover oat milk, the squirrel chose that exact moment to declare
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