Columnists
ARIES
( APR 19 – MAY 13 )
The more money you make , the more likely it is you ’ re screwing people over . And with Mars conjoining Uranus in Taurus , you ’ ll have LOTS of opportunity to screw people over , so you might as well cash in .
TAURUS
( MAY 14 – JUNE 19 )
Now is the time to examine your hang-ups . Seriously . You ’ ve been washing them on hot , and now your closet looks like you collect doll clothes .
GEMINI
( JUNE 20 – JULY 20 )
If horoscopes are real , why doesn ’ t the cosmos know that so few of us actually have the money to “ take that vacation you ’ ve always wanted ”?
CANCER
( JULY 21 – AUG 9 )
It ’ s a great time to spread the word about a cause you support . But don ’ t do cancer . Everybody already knows and hates cancer .
LEO
( AUG 10 – SEP 15 )
The next few weeks will be a time of self-discovery . Or at least that ’ s what the history books will say . In reality , there ’ s an entire civilization of people who have called your self home long before you got there . It ’ s more like self-colonialism than self-discovery .
VIRGO
( SEP 16 – OCT 30 )
Once Mars enters Gemini , your social life will get a nice boost . Doesn ’ t matter , though . Even with a boost , your social life isn ’ t tall enough to ride the big kid rides .
LIBRA
( OCT 31 – NOV 22 )
Over the next few weeks , make sure you get your flirt on ! I mean … no , it won ’ t actually lead to anything . Because nobody loves you . That doesn ’ t apply to everybody who shares your zodiac sign . Just you . But don ’ t let that stop you . Flirting can be fun for its own sake .
SCORPIO
( NOV 23 – NOV 29 )
Be warned : Now is a terrible time to explore your world . For one thing , unless you ’ re exploring the ocean floor , Earth ’ s already been pretty well explored . For another thing , if you can afford to explore the ocean floor , the whales ain ’ t putting up with that crap .
OPHIUCHUS
( NOV 30 – DEC 17 )
Over the next few weeks , you ’ ll remember that things are so much better when you ’ re together . It ’ s easy to forget that when you ’ ve been in pieces for so long . Holy crap , somebody put that on a T-shirt .
SAGITTARIUS
( DEC 18 – JAN 8 )
With Mars entering Gemini , it ’ ll be easier than ever to make enemies . Worry not , though . The prophecy foretells that your downfall will not come at the hands of your enemies , but at the hands of your friends . Et tu , Brenda ?
CAPRICORN
( JAN 9 – FEB 15 )
Now is the time to enjoy the fruit of your passions . Too bad passion fruit never tastes as good as its name suggests .
AQUARIUS
( FEB 16 – MAR 11 )
You ’ ll have to deal with your own hurt feelings the next few weeks . Not coincidentally , you ’ ll learn that not everybody appreciates your unsolicited nudes .
PISCES
( MAR 12 – APR 18 )
You will have a solid foundation on which to build . But , as is so common around Dubuque , you will also have a weird-ass basement .
DANNY FAIRCHILD DANNY FAIRCHILD IS THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN US AND THE CELESTIAL BODIES THAT WOULD DESTROY US ALL . KIND OF LIKE THE MOVIE ARMAGEDDON . YOU CAN THANK HIM BY EMAILING HIM AT DANNY @ DUBUQUE365 . COM .
DUBUQUE365 . COM Issue # 465 July 18 – July 31 , 2024 365INK MAGAZINE 39