I abandon the knife and hook my fingers under the spine ; once I have a good grip , I peel away a large flap of flesh . The rest of the skeleton is revealed . I crush a collection of tiny bones with my thumb and savour the crackles and pops .
Retrieving the knife , I angle the blade against the ribcage and slice across the ribs to remove the stomach . I squeeze the purple organ inside my fist . Dark juices run down my forearm . The smell is revolting . I feel nauseous and obsessed and frightened of what I might do .
Before disposing of it , I rummage inside the stomach lining and find the helmet of a crab . We ’ re all just parts . Parts of more parts . It ’ s endless . There ’ s no relief . We ’ re all just going and going and going . What is this place ? I scrutinise the mutilated fish in front of me and start collecting body parts in my palm : Skin . Splinters of bone . The largest tooth . Blood clots . Unidentified insides . It ’ s endless . The fish is full of stuff . I want to be full of stuff too . I want to feel whole . Retrieving the knife again , I hover its point over my stomach . It ’ s important I check . Make sure I ’ m full of stuff . Yes . Please God let me be full of guts . Allow me to be flesh and bone like this fish . I deserve to be disposable . A vulnerable and fragile body that can take damage and die . Not permanent thinking , floating , thinking , floating . There needs to be an end . It ’ s only right that there ’ s an end .
I plunge both my hands into the guts of the fish and tear it apart in a frenzy . Ballooned organs burst inside my fists , I snap the spine in half against the countertop , I gouge out both eyeballs with my tongue-
There ’ s no end ! The fish spreads itself across the kitchen tiles . It ’ s getting bigger and bigger .
The fish is swallowing me . Murky depths . Black depths . Red room . Red thoughts . ‘ George ?’ My heart stops . I turn to face my wife . She ’ s home early . ‘ Yes ?’ She stands there amongst the fish guts . She stares into me . She sees me . Oh , God . I ’ m here . I ’ m here . I ’ m inside a body at last . ‘ Oh , George ,’ she tuts . Something squelches as she walks out of the room . My thoughts return to the kitchen sink .
It Takes Guts 96