It Takes Guts
When I ’ m alone , I gut a dead fish . It ’ s salmon again this week . Salmon is a big fish . Heavy . I like to carry it around the room .
Just for a few minutes . I like how heavy it is . I like its dead head flopping against my elbow .
Tonight , I lie down on the sofa and put the fish on top of me . My breathing is shallow from the weight . I prop my chin on its slimy head . Its tail drapes across my crotch . Salmon are long fish . King Salmon can grow up to a meter and a half . Funny . I know people who are a meter and a half long too . My chest gets numb from the cold scales . We leave the sofa and find ourselves in the kitchen .
I drop the fish from a height onto the wooden countertop . Thud . God , I love that sound . A body on impact . I only drop it once . No need to break any bones yet . I neaten the fins . I have all the time in the world . It looks at me and my spine slackens . ‘ What a relief ,’ I say to myself . The fish looks at me again . My wet cheeks itch . It ’ s the salt . I pick up the scaler and skin the body in a hurry . Slowly . I say to myself . You have all the time in the world . My hands and forearms are covered in scales when I return to myself . A knife is already in my hand . I don ’ t remember picking it up .
I cut the fins and tail off . It doesn ’ t look like a fish anymore . What would a living fish do with its fins and tail amputated ? Would it simply sink into the murky depths , its eyes wide ? Or would it thrash and flail , clinging to life , its eyes wider still ? Either way , the creature is altered and fucking useless and I ’ m responsible . I like that . I chop the head off without warning and startle myself . My hand picks up the head , and I hold it in front of my face . The cold bony mouth touches my nose . We both stay still . I can hear the kitchen clock . Sometimes I ’ m bodiless too . Just a head . It ’ s a feeling . I ’ m just a floating head and I don ’ t feel like I ’ m here . I ’ m just thoughts hovering over the kitchen sink . I drop the fish head . It ’ s quiet in this house . So fucking quiet . I bend over the finless and headless body and make a deep cut at the top where the head used to be . From here , I make a long incision following the spine . The blade bumps across the slimy vertebrae .
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