Understand when her child has a meltdown, that it is much different than a “fit” and is NOT the result of bad parenting or lack of discipline. And it shouldn’t be embarrassing to anyone other than the judgmental bystander. You know, the one who shakes her head or rolls her eyes. One day, you won’t even notice that person. That will be, as Oprah would say, an “aha moment” for you. I hope it comes quickly for you. It is a wonderful feeling.
Support your child. If possible, take the kids for an afternoon, a night, weekend or longer so your daughter or son can get away, relax, recharge. It must be nearly impossible to be on “high alert” all the time. The parents need to just be; be a person, a couple, if only for a short period. It will allow them to be better parents. And it will allow you to get to know your grandchild better.
Remember, this is not your problem to solve. Your child is fully capable and the best person to know what needs to be done. Your job is to listen, to actually hear what she is saying, to be there for her, both emotionally and physically. Understand when she tells you they cannot do something, or go somewhere, you desperately wanted the whole family to do, that she isn’t trying to punish you; that she is only doing what’s needed to keep her child calm & regulated. Don’t show your disappointment, it only makes her feel worse.
Acceptance. Finally, accept that life is what it is. Just because it’s different than what you imagined or experienced as a child or parent, doesn’t make it less than. If your grandchild is comfortable, calm and regulated, any experience will be enjoyable for him and that will make it enjoyable for his parents - and THAT should make it enjoyable for you.
Actually, that will make it perfect, for your perfect famly.
Excerpt taken from "Advice for Special Needs Grandparents," by Helen Nickelson. Originally published on SPD Blogger Network. Reprinted with permission.
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