Advice for Special Grandparents
For military families, distance often breeds lack of familiarity between our extended families and our special needs families. Misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and confusion abound. Read this advice from "seasoned" Special Grandparent, Helen Nickelson, on how best to support your children and their special childrearing challenges.
Believe your child. Firstly and most importantly, believe your daughter or son when they tell you what challenges their child(ren) face and what accommodations they need. Seriously, they KNOW what’s going on. They are not making this stuff up. I realize it’s difficult because you don’t see it. You’re not there every day and most kids can “keep it together” for short periods…like when they are with their grandparents.
Educate yourself. Learn everything you can about your grandchild’s diagnosis. As they say,
knowledge is power and if you have a better understanding of what your family is dealing with you will be able to be more supportive.
Realize your child isn’t choosing this. You do realize she wants to make you happy, almost as much as she wants to protect her child, right? Let her know you understand, as best you can, that her life is difficult and that she can count on you. And MEAN IT.
Grandparents of special needs kids need to be understanding and supportive.
Understand that your child and her family may not be able to come to your home for holidays because the trip would be nearly impossible for your grandchild. The change in routine, the lack of structure may be too much. Understand, too, that when you come to visit, you may need to stay in a hotel, because the disruption could be too much. There are many things we need to understand. The list is long and may include many “no” things; no staying up late, no HFCS, no artificial colors or flavorings, no rough house after dinner, and many “must” things; must have a certain amount of heavy work, must read three books before bedtime, not one, nor two, but THREE, must follow routine whether it be morning, lunch and/or bedtime. Just understand these are important for your grandchild to remain calm and organized, so BE understanding.
"Just because it’s different than what you imagined or experienced as a child or parent, doesn’t make it less than."