RELATIONSHIPS
DATING DILEMMA
“DR. RUTH” OF THE AUTISTIC COMMUNITY TALKS ABOUT LOVE AND DATING
SP-26
SPECIAL PARENT
she says, she had no idea what to do,
so she tried to mimic the girlfriends she
saw on TV. In retrospect, she realizes,
“I just needed to be myself.”
That mistake is frequently made by
her peers on the spectrum, she says.
“Sometimes when you like someone,
you want to do things for them,
including changing who you are so they
will like you better. This is exhausting,
and unfair both to you and to them. Be
who you are, because nobody else can
do that.”
RELATIONSHIP DISASTER
“THE ONLY WAY YOU
CAN UNDERSTAND
IT [AUTISM] IS BY
TALKING TO AN
AUTISTIC PERSON
AND LEARNING THEIR
STORY AND LEARNING
THAT EVERYONE’S
STORY IS
DIFFERENT.”
AMY GRAVINO
After college, Gravino fell for a man
she had met online, a waiter who was
two years her junior. She thought it
was true love so, acting impulsively, she
moved across the country to be near his
Seattle home. Within a few months, she
discovered he had a mean streak and a
girlfriend, who left insulting messages
on her phone.
Today, Gravino is a wiser woman
for that catastrophe. “I had to learn
the hard way,” she says. “I was inex-
perienced and vulnerable. I loved too
deeply.”
She is now more careful about whom
she dates and is mindful not to rush
into anything. “I have more confidence
now,” she says. “I can afford to be
picky.”
A public speaker, Gravino works as
a certified college coach for students
on the spectrum through the Fairfield-
based company she founded, ASCOT
Consulting. She is also on the board
of directors of “Yes She Can,” which
does job training for women on the
spectrum, and has spoken twice on
United Nations panels on World
Autism Awareness Day. ●
T
he precarious dance
of dating and sex can
be tough for anyone to
navigate. But when the
potential partners miss
social cues, crave familiar
routines, and are socially awkward,
an otherwise romantic evening can
feel like torture.
Enter Amy Gravino, 35, who has
dubbed herself the “Dr. Ruth” of the
autistic community. The Montclair
resident is working on a memoir,
The Naughty Autie, about her
escapades in the dating world as a
woman living with autism.
“It’s like Sex and the City but with
someone on the spectrum,” she says,
likening herself to Carrie Bradshaw,
minus the impeccable social skills.
She hopes her book will offer insight
to individuals with autism on the dating
scene. For starters, she suggests that
people on the spectrum try not to come
on too strong: “If you’ve just met, telling
someone you really like them puts a
lot of pressure on that person. Give it
time.” She notes that it’s not uncommon
for men on the spectrum to be accused
of “stalking” when they believe they’re
just being friendly or romantic.
Autism affects development of
the brain in areas governing social
interaction, communication and
cognitive function. Individuals with
autism typically have trouble with
verbal and non-verbal communication,
social interaction and play activities,
according to the National Autism
Association. Some exhibit repetitive
behaviors. The severity ranges from
mild challenges to impairments that
sharply limit everyday activities.
When Gravino entered her first
serious relationship during college,
WRITTEN BY DEENA YELLIN