try to bring some clarity to these
issues. Offer neutral, objective
explanations for social behavior. Don’t denigrate or belittle
others—adding more negativity
to the discussion can do more
harm than good. But where
possible, try to find measured,
practical descriptions as a counter to self-defeating narratives.
Help Prioritize
A commonly made mistake is
to put too much emphasis on
accepting the diagnosis and
not enough on the underlying
barriers to that acceptance. In a
situation where there are bigger
issues to focus on, make those a
priority; the diagnosis stuff can
come later. Let’s say that someone is depressed because they
feel ashamed of their differences. If they are diagnosed as
being on the spectrum, simply
accepting that label is unlikely
to put a dent in the depression.
Depression is complicated. It
involves so many nuanced,
interconnected issues that a
simple diagnosis is not enough
to address the way it operates.
However, once those issues
have been sorted through, it can
be so much easier to feel more
at peace about life on the
spectrum.
Give it Time
Absorbing a diagnosis like
autism spectrum disorder can
be overwhelming, especially
during a time like adolescence,
when so much of what we
know about ourselves and our
relationships is in flux. People
need time to understand who
they are. They need time to
sit with that understanding. I
know it’s painful to see someone you love struggle with
these issues, but (within reason)
it’s important to give them the
freedom and emotional space
to just be so that they can sort
through these shifting internal
landscapes.
Being patient and giving them
as much time as they need is
also a way to show respect.
Nothing builds a stronger sense
of trust than feeling respected.
They may not be willing to
discuss the diagnosis now, but
if they know that you respect
what they are going through,
that can leave the door open for
discussion at a later time.
Final Thoughts
I was able to work through
anger about the diagnosis and
depression, but it took time, and
it required the help of someone
who had been trained in these
issues. It’s important to note
that everyone on the spectrum
is different; the suggestions in
this article are certainly not going to be applicable in all cases.
The goal here is simply to offer
ideas that can hopefully be part
of a beneficial conversation
between family members who
are trying to navigate these issues. From personal experience,
I know it can be a serious challenge. But I also know there is
light at the end of the tunnel.
M. Kelter writes about life on the autism spectrum at his blog,
Invisible Strings. You can visit his Twitter and Facebook page, where
positive discussions with an active parent community are ongoing. He
has been a guest contributor for Kate Winslet’s Golden Hat Foundation
blog and The Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism.
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